Thursday, July 16, 2015

Very Special Episode: Dog Murderer

Check out Episode Two of the Very Special Episode series.

Story by improv team Sad Jazz. Written, produced, directed, & edited by me, Nancy Melchert.
with Jason Spina, Steve Ward, and Matt Radlow.

Sunday, April 26, 2015

The Commute Email, Another in a Series

Sometimes I like to write you these emails on my commute as a coping mechanism. I grow weary of actually existing in the space and time of the commute on the A train.

I walked on and the guy who got on before me just stopped right when he stepped in and looked around like a lost child.

As I was walking through Jay St-Metrotech to get to the A train some dickhead was actively lighting up his cigarillo. I stared at him as he blew smoke in my face. "You can't smoke down here, man." I said. Nobody cared. Nobody else wants to confront him. There are no police or MTA officials. I'm not going to get in a fight with the guy, because he'd probably knife me and shove me on the tracks. And since, as I already stated, there were no police, MTA officials, or rule-caring humans around, he'd have gotten away with it.

I suppose someone would have started looking for me when I didn't show up for work today. But would they think to look for me bleeding out on the tracks of the F train at Jay St-Metrotech?! If I ever go missing, please tell detectives to look there. Hopefully a Debra Messing-type will be on the case and she'll believe you because you're smart and intuitive. She'll trust you and you'll solve my murder! You can tell her "she probably told someone they couldn't smoke in the subway station..." They'll fill in the details from there.

Now I'm waiting at 14th at for the C or E that may or may not come. There are no signs indicating it won't be here, but it might be one of those NY native things where people just know what weekends they don't run local; only the cool kids know for sure. The rest of us are left to wait around with our dicks in our hands.

 I hope you're having a lovely day.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

The Commute

Second in a series of emails to friends in the style of short stories. 

Ugh. Faith. 

The commute, the commute. Why can't we have teleportation? I didn't see any signs indicating there was construction, but apparently it's implied that there's probably going to be at least one guy with a hammer on the tracks to fuck up my commute. 

The R train may or may not run. It might be on a schedule, but probably not. You'll wait for 20 minutes and get an N train that at first gives you hope but then you see is traveling via Whitehall so, no. You transfer at Atlantic because it makes the most sense to get either a D or a 4. The D is nowhere in sight so you hike over to the 4 platform. The 4 will be to you in 15 minutes. What you say? You have to wait another 15 minutes on a stinky rat-infested platform?! Can you go back to get the D? You'd think so, but the D came whilst you were hiking through the terminal so it's a lost cause now too. You wait it out. The 4 comes. It's packed. It's 5:10am and the 4 train is full of people who are mostly nodding off and taking up a lot of space. Except for the one guy who has dedicated this time to telling his friend his life story in loud broken Arabic-English. 

You're at Fulton Street and you only have 20 minutes to get to Grand Central. It's tight because at this time the 4 runs LOCAL. 

You had set your alarm for 3:30am. That seemed early. You hit snooze a couple of times—you were playing a game with the 3 alarms you set. You finally walked out of the apartment at 4:17am. That seems early enough. That gives an hour and a half to traverse what is normally a 37 minute commute. You think you might get there early and have the first coffee of the day. Now you're venting about the shitiness of the mta to a friend who already knows and is probably thinking "this is like when you talk about your dreams. Ugh." It's 5:28am and you're at motherfucking Spring Street. 
It's 5:29 and you're at Bleeker Street. That reminds you—Girl Meets World is on and takes place near this station. 
It's 5:30am and you're at Astor Place. 
As long as there are no delays you can make it. Oh no, you hope you didn't just jinx it. Fuck. Nobody better jump in front of the train. 
It's 5:31am and you're at Union Square and you hope for a second that for no reason the train will go express. It won't. 
23rd Street
28th Street
33rd Street

Teleportation would bypass these stops. And hopefully it wouldn't have construction. 

It's 5:38 when you arrive at Grand Central. You just made it. Now you make the coffee. 

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

How We Read

An excerpt from an email I wrote to a friend about my reading habits, and partially a review of Fight Club:

I started reading Fight Club. It reminded me of a conversation we used to have frequently—when can you let something go? I'm about a third into it, maybe a bit more, but not quite half. And I am just not into it. I'm not excited at the prospect of reading it. I do not care what the outcome of any of the characters are and I don't care for the style. I should apologize if you love this book. I know a lot of people do. The person who loaned it to me did so under the guise that it was his favorite book and was responsible for him being literate or something. But I'm not into it and it's a chore to read and often while reading it I think of the other things I could be doing that I would enjoy more—napping on the train, napping on the couch, napping at my desk. And of course it doesn't take me long to think there might be something wrong with me if I'm so incredibly bored by this book that a whole bunch of people love and that was revered enough to be made into a movie that a lot of people also love. I'm bored by a fight club. Am I dead inside? Isn't that actually the theme of the book? Shouldn't it speak to me more? Am I more dead inside than the guy who started a fight club to try to feel something? DOWNWARD SPIRAL!

If I recall, you were usually on the side of sticking with it. It was some sort of blend of tenacity, hope, and giving the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it would pull through in the end. I was wondering if this was right and if so if you've ever reconsidered? I lean towards giving up because there's so much more out there. At the same time, giving up makes me feel like a quitter. But if carrying this book around with me for months and reading like 2 pages at a time and in turn denying myself the joy of books I do enjoy is what tenacity looks like, then call me quitter!!

Sunday, January 18, 2015

I Am Not A Stupid Woman Webseries

My webseries is done! Check it out here. Turn on "couch mode" and watch the whole thing!

I Am Not A Stupid Woman Vimeo Album

Or if you were caught up, here's the most recent ep:

I Am Not A Stupid Woman Episode 6: Experiment Lazy Susan from Nancy Melchert on Vimeo.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Bed Forget It Goodbye

This is the video I directed for Brooklyn-based punk band Forget It. Goodbye.