Something Old is New Again

    Yesterday I saw a tumblr post with a few gifs from "I Love Lucy." I immediately said "man, I want to take some time off work and just watch 'I Love Lucy'." Then today, I walked into the UCB Training Center and what do I see but the entire series on DVD just waiting to be checked out. How serendipitous!
      I didn't get to watch the show live when it first aired--obviously--and I only sort of remember watching the reruns in the middle of the day when I was a kid. "I Love Lucy" is largely considered the first great comedy, and especially the first great female-led comedy. This is more than just TV; this is history.
     Oh Lucy. This will be quite a lesson in the evolution of women in television. Breaking barriers while still fitting in the mold. This will be like a master's class for me, and hopefully I'll be able to get through the whole series in about a semesters' time.

Watch Best Friends Forever

     I find it difficult to write about things I love because I just end up writing "I love it, it's amazing" over and over. I'm going to try to expand on that a bit, but seriously, I love Best Friends Forever and it's amazing. And yes, it's funny, hilarious even, and real. But also, seriously--just flat out amazing.
     Here's the thing too--this is the show that I wanted to write. I lay awake at night dreaming about a show I could create someday, a show with heart and comedy about amazing women living in the city and trying to make a life in some sort of triarrage situation. Really, I have treatments to that effect. I've written outlines. And maybe I came close to the idea I had in my head, but Lennon Parham and Jessica St. Clair nailed it. I actually went through a 5-second blind rage as I watched everything I was aiming for come alive on the screen. But then the white flash faded and I fell completely in love.
     I have watched the first four episodes at least 6 times each. I watch them on my phone on the subway on the way to work. Then I watch them on my break. And again on the way home. And when I can't sleep I lie in bed and watch them. It doesn't help me sleep, but it sure makes me feel good. I'm watching them again right now. Some people might say I have a problem. Those people can go to hell because damn it, I love it.
     I wonder how they made something so wonderful and so pitch perfect. But then I just accept that Lennon Parham and Jessica St. Clair are way better at comedy and life and being best friends than I'll ever be and I sit back and enjoy it.
     I read (or saw) an interview with Ms Parham and Ms St. Clair and they mentioned that while preparing for the show, they watched this Laverne&Shirley video a lot:
That actually made SO much sense to me. There have been a decent number of comparisons with Laverne&Shirley already, so I won't belabor the point. And I don't really appreciate when new things are just referred to as old things but for now. It's just that they're both magic.
     The show has reportedly been canceled and subsequently my heart broken. If I had the technology, I would make this show in my apartment. Hell, I would just put on the stage show in my apartment. (Hey Lennon and Jessica, can you just put on a stage show once a week? In my apartment? I'll provide snacks!) I'm having trouble processing that the one shiny spot in my television lineup will be gone. It also makes me worry for the future. And not just the future of television, but the future of civilization because this is the type of quality entertainment we should be making and consuming.
     I meant this post to be a simple call to your televisions tonight to turn on NBC at 8pm and watch the best g-d show there is right now. I went a little off track and maybe got a little too creepy with all the gushing lovey adjectives. But seriously guys, watch this show. And if you have a Nielson box, really really watch it. Watch it four times, in all your rooms (I don't know how those work).
     If the conclusion to this story is inevitable; if it is already written in the blood of Jeff Zucker's grandchildren, then I'll take the six episodes we were given and carry them with me and watch them at least once a week to remind myself what happiness is. But if there is even an iota of a chance that we can save it, damn it all, I will do whatever it takes to save it. Tell me what it is, and I'll do it. Sign the petition? Done. Buy the iTunes season pass? Done. Tweet #SaveBFF all the time? Done. Write an embarrassing feeling filled blog post? Done. Please, NBC, don't take it away. Best Friends Forever leads with its heart and it teaches us all how to actually be good friends, and good people, to each other. And it's fucking good, so watch it. Also, it throws in a lot of Michigan / Wolverine references, and I go ape shit for that.

Thoughts on Smash

     I like about half of Smash. The other half is overwrought and makes me yell at my TV.
     I don't much care for Ivy, her breathless voice, and her premature divalation. As much as I understand how she exudes sex and practically already is Marilyn, I still want her to fall and break her ankle. And for that to somehow cause her vocal chords to sift into puberty or whatever it is that allow the sounds to come out as words and not the faint whispers of a breeze through a sexy haunted house. Even her tantrums aren't very tantrum-y. Her "we're not football players" speech was just plain childish. You might not be football players, but you are adults, so suck it up and do your job. Your singing job, by the way. You sing for a living. You didn't lose a big case and endure the judge raking you across the coals for an improper defense on CourtTV. You fell on a couch and were laughing when the director said "don't do that." He's right.
     I would guess I'm not supposed to like the director, but as far as I can tell, he's the closest to being a human being. Yes, he is a jerk. But so are most people, so it works. Again, he's trying to put on a Broadway musical so yes, he just cares about your voice. And that you can stand and dance. He doesn't care that you have to cry yourself to sleep or that you require the care of two grown men to sing you to sleep because you're too goddamned frail. You're not handling your downward spiral well. Take his terseness to mean that. As far as I can tell, he's the only one on the production staff who really cares about making the show good and not about everyone's feelings.
     Oh Julia. For fuck sake, Julia, what the hell are you doing? And where did you get those pants? And why did you just put pants on over your pajama top and then go outside in Manhattan. Even at 10pm, people will see you. I really hate this affair story line. I get that audiences might find it intriguing, but I think it's pretty gross. The only good that could come out of it is that maybe Michael knocked something loose and Julia can get over her writer's block. Of course, the affair is most likely the cause of the block. Oh, messiness. I get it from a dramatic point of view, it just doesn't do much for me. Also, while we're talking about Julia, what is the deal with her family? They all seem to land somewhere on the autistic spectrum. They're lifeless. It's like the producers built an extra set and needed to fill it with people and said "we'll just call this her family." And again, the director is right to tell the writer he doesn't care about her family problems because Julia needs to do her job--write the damn show.
     And speaking of writing the show, the original numbers written for this mythical Marilyn musical are quite nice. They're a really fun part of the show. Bringing them from the rehearsal space to the pretend theater will fill stage numbers is fun and exciting to watch. Watching Katharine McPhee sing a Florence + The Machine song at a bar mitsvah? That's time to use the bathroom and maybe do some household chores. I love the song. Florence + The Machine are great. But it has nothing to do with the show and Katharine McPhee beings nothing new to it. Also, those kids who were "into it" were clearly not. I would guess it was the end of the day and the director was yelling at them "pretend you really like this song. Put your hands in the air and sway like people used to do for hip hop songs. COME ON! Fine, fine, just wave around listless for 10 minutes, that's fine too. I want to go."
     Angelica Huston is great, but I'm losing interest in her character. She's becoming too cartoonish for me. And hanging out with Tom's assistant irks me. Tom's assistant needs to fall down a sewer drain or slip and fall on the A train tracks. He's a little bitch and I can't believe adults aren't putting a stop to it. Parents don't let toddlers get away with that level of tattling.
     Also, when Karen drops all of her crap behind the piano and then overhears the entire conversation between Tom, Derick, Julia, et al, how long did she have to stay hidden before she could leave? She's already been hiding. She can't get up! She has to stay there until every person has left the building. And then still wait 30 minutes after that to make sure nobody comes back to sex their boss. It must have ruined her afternoon. That's why she was late to the bar mitzvah. 

It's Thursday

     I love Thursdays. I bet I've mentioned it before because it is true. Usually, cool things happen on Thursdays. Or, nothing happens on Thursdays and it's a relaxing day and that's great too. It's just a nice day.
     It's my favorite TV night, and it has been as long as I can remember. I used to watch Cheers and The Cosby Show on Thursday nights when I was a kid. And then Seinfeld, and then Friends and Will&Grace and ER. And now it's home to 30 Rock, Parks&Rec,and Up All Night. And Community again, starting next week. Thursdays are great for staying in!
     They're also good for going out. It's the eve to the weekend, so like Christmas eve, you take the time to reflect on the day that is before you and get completely plastered. It's also a fun day for special events because a large percentage of the population will say "it's a Thursday? I'm staying in," like I usually do.
     Also, here's a fun way to remember Thursday, from a Thursday classic:

Viewing Parties

     I went to my first viewing party this weekend. It was a great reminder as to what a communal experience TV can be. I rarely watch TV with other people in the room. Usually that's for good reason because other people like to talk over the TV or not pay attention and then spend time saying "what'd he say? who is that? what? I like her outfit" and then my head explodes. But when watching with a group of people who are just an invested as I am, it can be a nice experience.
     Paleyfest is happening right now in LA. There is also a Paley Center in NYC so the geniuses over there decided they could do a combined event between the two. So over here on the east coast, there was a Community viewing party in conjunction with the Community Paleyfest Panel. We watched a screen of a screen of a panel in LA. How exciting.
     That sounded sarcastic, but it was pretty cool. The Paleyfest in general is a really cool thing. People from our favorite shows come to sit down with some guy and just talk about their show. It's always a good time. I don't know who the guy asking the questions was, I wasn't paying attention to that part. I would guess he's from the Paley Center. That's fine. We're not really looking at him anyway.
     Since those of us in NYC are watching a screen of a screen, Paley Center tried to sweeten the deal a bit with cookies, fruit, and soda. That was nice. Also, there was a blanket fort. A few people were playing in it. I refrained because I'm either too cool or not cool enough. And they were strangers and if I learned anything when I was a kid it was do not get into a fort made of blankets with strangers. But still, it was fun. There was also a costume contest and a poster contest. (These things may have also existed in LA. I'm not sure.) The costume contest was a fun idea, but not wonderfully executed. There were only about 4 really inspired costumes--Professor Professorson, Pierce Hawthorne in his wizard robes, The Dean, and the dean's companion dalmatian--everyone else worse regular clothes and tried to be Jeff or Annie. But it was a nice idea.
     I assume because I am a nonmember, I was sent to the upstairs viewing room. This is where the screen of a screen thing comes in. There was a main auditorium downstairs where a host in NY had a podium and a screen was set up to livestream the event. Then in the small auditorium I was in, with about 50 of my new best friends, we were watching that other auditorium. There was discussion about whether or not we would be watching the screen of the screen, which was pretty small at that point. And for about 5 minutes we were, and the livestream buffered a lot. We grumbled. A lot. But then someone fixed it and we were able to settle in and enjoy it.
     We viewed the episode that will air on the 15th. It was great and everyone should watch it. People in groups really do laugh more! That was a nice communal experience, except of course for the few lines I missed because people were laughing too hard. But it seems silly to complain about people laughing too hard. The livestream of the panel was fun to watch too, even though some people yelled out during that too. It's probably available online now.
     Community is great so it was a worthwhile experience. (I will not be attending the Castle viewing party this coming Friday.) Of course actually being at Paleyfest would have been even better, but this was a close second. March 15th! Woo! Watch!

1993

     When I say 1993, it doesn't seem like that long ago. I remember it pretty clearly. 1993 was the year my brother graduated high school and The X-Files premiered. I remember talking about The X-Files with guys in my math class. I've mentioned in a few posts that I've been rewatching the show. I remembered the show fondly. I did not remember 1993.
     1993 was basically just the late 80s. We were practically cave people driving around in clunky Oldsmobiles and using dial-up modems. Remember the sound the dial up modem made? It dialed in, you heard a dial tone and then it went all KKRRHAHKFKKCHUNK PINGOOPINGOO AKRKALAKKKHHAHHH RKRKAHHARAHRAH ­SHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHSHSHSHSHSHSHSH.
     It was an especially ominous scene in The X-Files--the camera pushed in on Scully's computer, a desktop with the biggest monitor you've ever seen--and the dial up modem kicked in. It's been so long since I've actually heard it, I was a little taken aback. Then I chuckled a bit. Oh 1993, you're in the past.
     1993 is probably in history books by now. Maybe just recent-history books, if those are a thing. It's almost 20 years ago, and I suppose stated that way, it does sound like a long time ago. Something about the aughts made my brain fail to recognize the appropriate passage of time. It feels like the 90s just happened, like we drifted from the late 80s and slammed into 2012.
    I really only mean in this specific instance, while watching old episodes of The X-Files--and sometimes Friends. I watch a lot of Friends reruns also, so that many be contributing to this whole 1993 just happened phenomenon. But a lot of things look pretty much the same, except for our cars, computers, and phones. Oh, and 1993 hair was also pretty atrocious.

 Exhibit #1:

Feathering was really in, even for federal agents.

Exhibit #2:

This actually isn't that terrible, but it's not that good, is it?

Exhibit #3:

She sure looks Desperate. She may not want to Trans-it across America with that hair.
(It's Felicity Huffman, btw.)

To be fair, it wasn't the 80s fault Felicity Huffman's hair looked like that. It was a very stressful time for her and the episode called for it. The disaster that is Scully's hair for the first three seasons however, purely a product of the times. 

I Watch Cougar Town

     I love the show Cougar Town. I'm not sure how vocal I've been about it before, but it occurs to me I should be more vocal. It's a great show and everyone should watch it. It got the shaft from the fall schedule, and then a little bit of a shiv for a mid-season replacement. It's back on February 14th. I'm pumped.
     Creator (of the show) Bill Lawrence posted a highlight reel for the upcoming season. He gave us all fair warning that there were spoilers in it, but he wanted to share it to get some buzz going. I didn't watch it right away because I didn't want to be spoiled. I already knew I would be tuning in every week and I would be happy to get Cougar Town as it was intended--in episodic form. But the video was retweeted enough that I broke down. Oh how fun season 3 looks to be!
     There is a whole lot of talk about how it's the worst title for a show ever. And also how the first six episodes are one thing and then it makes a switch. I never really thought much about the title until friends scrunched up their noses at me when I told them to watch. Eff them, they were missing out. The shame of that is that I knew they would really like it. The Cougar Town gang was a lot like my gang. Maybe just in the way that characters are universal, but also in the way that we like to sit around all day and drink. We have a holiday dedicated to it.
     I recognize the switch the show made after the first few episodes, but I didn't mind the initial ones all that much. I found them amusing. Maybe I was distracted by something shiny, but I didn't notice what was lacking. At the same time, it's hard to imagine the show having kept on that same path. Clearly, Bill Lawrence knew what he was doing.
     Now Mr. Lawrence is doing his best to get his show out there. He wants people to be aware of it, and to watch it (a lot), and to tell all their friends to watch it. Every Nielson box in America should be tuned into Cougar Town. Mr. Lawrence is going to great lengths. He's putting on viewing parties all around the country. There are two scheduled for NYC and I happen to have my name in the ticket lottery. I don't know how the tickets are being given out--I'm sure very fairly--but either way, I'll be watching Cougar Town when it premieres on the 14th, and then every Tuesday after that (or whatever day it's on for the rest of the season).
     I figured, as a fan, I would do my part to tell a few people about the show and how much I loved it. Every once in a while people take my advice, and they're always (ALWAYS!) glad they did. Watch it!

Chelsea Handler. Not a Review.

     I just finished reading Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang.  My review can be found here, on the Cannonball Read website.  To save you from too much reading, I did not care for the book.
     I am still fascinated by Chelsea Handler as a person, however.  As I stated in the review, she has three shows on television right now. I fully understand the concept of Chelsea Lately and her sitcom Are You There, Chelsea?  I do not understand the third show, After Lately, a reality-style sitcom, according to a quick Google search.  Actually, the Google search cleared quite a bit up for me.  I watched a few pieces of episodes and I did not know what was happening.  There was an odd mixture of fake and reality that was really unsettling.
     I have defended the comedy stylings of Chelsea Handler to friends in the past.  I enjoyed her first two books.  I enjoyed her brazen, out there, I-don't-give-a-fuck, fuck-em-if-they-can't-take-a-joke style.  I too am a fan of a casual practical joke.  As I listened to her stand-up, there was an undertone of intelligence.
     This is why I'm fascinated by her.  I feel like she panders.  But I don't think she wants to pander, I think she's forced into it.  I wonder what would happen if her show were on a different network and instead of bloggers as panelists and puppies as discussion topics, she had thoughtful yet funny panelists and polysyllabic responses to actual topics.  Maybe it would be a nice blend of The Ellen DeGeneres Show and Rock Center. 
     I think she has more to offer.  I think she knows shit but she's not telling us, and I think she should.  I want to see her in a room with intelligent people.
     My jury is still out on Are You There, Chelsea?  I do think it's weird that Chelsea plays her sister and Laura Prepon plays Chelsea.  I don't think old people will understand that at all.  I also don't think the show's target audience is old people.  But I do think old people are who watches TV on TV.  That is a topic for another time, however.  I watched the first two episodes of the show; I laughed about three times.  The pilot was sloppy at best.  I enjoyed the roommate, Dee Dee.  My initial assessment of the problem is that the sister, Sloane, is the opposite of Chelsea and Chelsea has a really hard time playing so completely off-type.  Chelsea isn't playing Sloane--Chelsea is playing Chelsea playing Sloane.  There's a difference, and that difference kills the character.
     Since it currently plays next to Whitney,--so we know the caliber of show allowed on the air--Chelsea will surely get a season run and be allowed to find its legs.  I actually hope it gets out from under itself.  It could use Chelsea's actual intelligence and humor as the impetus for a solid character and let what I assume is her actual heart propel the stories.  If Chelsea doesn't pander for cheap laughs the way Chelsea does, it might work.        And all of this hypothesizing over who this woman might actually be is why I stay riveted.  She's like the burgeoning biceps starting to shape on my arms--I don't like what they look like now, and they can't lift much, but damn it, if they work hard enough, someday they'll be something really special.      

Maybe You're Just Depressed!

     I think I've mentioned it before, but one of my favorite moments from The Ellen Show is in the episode where Catherine comes in upset about *something* and Dot (Cloris Leachman) leans over and says, in her cheeriest voice, "Maybe you're just depressed!"  It's a mantra I use actually.  I once wrote an essay using it as my lead-off.  I wanted to embed the clip here, but it took longer than 10-seconds to find, so I gave up.
     Yesterday, I thought maybe I was depressed.  I didn't want to do a damn thing.  The internet was on the fritz, and not just because of the SOPA and PIPA blackouts.  It was a router issue that I was too lazy to deal with.  And by deal with I mean unplug, count to 30, and plug back in.  So I checked my email on my phone, and then laid around all the live-long day.  I would start to drift off to sleep and I would hear Cloris Leachman say "Maybe you're just depressed!"  Then I would chuckle and it would all be OK.
      There is also a bit about button-eyes on muffins.  It's delightful.  I don't even remember what I was depressed about.

I Love Betty White

     I've been a fan of Betty White since I was a wee one. I watched The Golden Girls when it first ran in the 80s, even though I didn't really understand a lot of it. I started to understand it more in its later years, as my brain developed. I even watched The Golden Palace, the short lived spin off that also starred Don Cheadle and failed miserably. The Golden Girls reruns got me through college (and grad school). I watched at least an hour of The Golden Girls every Sunday, and always earnestly. The Golden Girls marathons were like church for me. I really did (still do) love it. I love everything she does. I watch Hot In Cleveland, and I love that too.
     Today is Betty White's birthday. Happy Birthday, Betty! Last night, NBC put on a star-studded birthday celebration for her. I marked it on my calendar--I was not going to miss it. It did not disappoint. It opened with Amy Poehler and one of her classic speeches. She admitted to writing a fan letter to Betty 20 years ago, when she was 5. Ha! Good times. It probably goes without saying that Betty White is a comedy legend. She has had such a profound influence on everyone who has every been in the industry, and I don't think I'm using too much hyperbole there. Seth Myers made the joke that a lot of things have changed in TV since Betty White got her start--like now it exists. Funny, and true!
     Nobody else will ever be as good as Betty White, ever. I started to look up videos to embed to prove my point, but then I got distracted for about three hours just watching them. There is just so much! She's done everything! A master's class in Betty White would be completely appropriate. She started in radio. She starred in Life with Elizabeth. She had her own variety show (though short lived). She is, of course, a comedy legend in her own right, and has also worked with every comedy legend around. I realize I'm gushing, a lot, but really, I'm just so damn inspired by Betty White. She's been on TV for as long as TV has existed. And damn it, she just keeps going.
     I'm currently working my way through the entire The Mary Tyler Moore Show series, and she's great on that too. I wanted to share everything I thought was great about Betty White, but it's too much for this little blog to hold. Really, it's too much for the internet to hold, though it does make a valiant effort. She's always been ahead of her time, even though she's 90. She continues to evolve with us. Happy Birthday, Betty White, and thanks for inviting us all to your party.

From NBC's birthday special:
             

From Community:


From Hot In Cleveland:

Hot In Cleveland / American Horror Story: My Mash Up Review.

SPOILER ALERT!  I talk about what happens on Hot In Cleveland and American Horror Story. You have been warned.  Also, this post is ridiculously long.    


     American Horror Story is a new, popular drama.  I've never seen it.  Hot In Cleveland is a TVLand original sitcom in its third season, starring Betty White, Valerie Bertinelli, Wendie Malick, and Jane Leeves.  I enjoy this show.  When it was first advertised I made fun of it.  I watched the pilot; I wasn't too impressed really.  Then I didn't get the channel it aired on and I assumed it would go away.  It did not.  Luckily, it was available on Hulu, so I caught up.  It's amazing that the show is still on the air and that it is being nominated for awards.
     My very dear friend Mary enjoys the show American Horror Story.  She and I spend a lot of time talking about various television shows and movies.  We get along pretty well, but really, we don't watch a lot of the same shows, so sometimes these conversations get pretty one sided.  I go on and on about Up All Night and Hot In Cleveland while she does the chat equivalent of smiling and nodding.  The same is true when she discusses shows about vampires and American Horror Story.  Today, she extended an amusing challenge to me, and I really wanted to accept it.  Her challenge--to watch just the season finale of American Horror Story and review it.  The problem--American Horror Story is on at the same time as Hot In Cleveland.  The compromise--watch Hot In Cleveland, then then last 40 minutes of the extended season finale of American Horror Story.  The overlap was uncanny.
     The ladies in Cleveland were up to their same old (pun!) shenanigans.  Elka (Betty White) is currently dating the guy who played the dad on Frasier.  The other three ladies are being hot whilst living in Cleveland.  This is something that should irritate the hell out of me, but I'm amused.  Joy runs in the house, hiding from someone.  She's running from a woman with pruning sheers who is tired of Joy bending over and picking up the mail, because Joy is hot and the woman's husband stares.  The woman unleashes a little bit and points out the ladies' attributes.  And that's where I kind of liked what was happening.  The hot older women were proud of being older and hot.  Wendie Malick has the most amazing arms of any woman over the age of 43 (she's 61), and she fucking show them off.  It's actually pretty damn endearing.
     Elka's story line in this episode is that the old man she's dating is still about 10-15 years younger than she is, so she lies about her age (and weight on some forms about sky diving).  She takes the advice of the girls, who dole out all the life lessons they learned in LA.  Of course, all these life lessons are wrong.  That's a big part of the point.  They seem to learn this a lot.  For their story, they give "LA makeovers" to several housewives in the neighborhood.  At the end of the episode, the husbands come after their wives and say they prefer their wives the way they were, not all LA'd up.  The ladies then have a moment about embracing Cleveland.  It lasts about one minute.  Then they go back to feeling special because they're the hottest things on the block.
     It would be obvious to compare Hot In Cleveland to Golden Girls; I've done it.  I recently made the joke that it would be funny if the HiC cast just read a GG script.  Sure, it has its parallels--any show about 4 older women when one of them is Betty White will--but it's actually not the same.  Hot In Cleveland is no Community, but I still like it.  I laugh out loud at it.  Betty White it still hilarious; she has impeccable comedic timing.  The other ladies are also funny.  The writing is pretty strong.  There are so many shows that are on the air that are so much worse.  I realize that doesn't sound like a glowing recommendation, but it is.  It's a nice little show.  I'm glad it worked out its problems from the pilot.
     Then I switched the channel over to FX.  Jessica Lange was there, and then Kate Mara was holding a baby, and then a corpse was on the ground with spiders crawling from its mouth, and then a guy slits Kate Mara's throat and took the baby she was holding, and Jessica Lange was talking to police-like people.
     I watched the rest of the episode trying to figure out what the show was about.   I still have quite a few questions, but I didn't want to look it up on the internet and ruin the intrigue.  I did ask Mary how many time lines were happening and she said one.  Ok.  So, here's what I think happened:  There's this house, called the death house.  Some people call it the murder house.  Everyone who lives there is a ghost.  There is a servant / maid ghost who is generally kind.  Or at least not malicious.  Also, I think Jessica Lange lives in the house but is not a ghost.  There is a blond boy named Tate.  Tate is a psychopath.  He has killed so many people.  He raped the lady ghost who lives in the house, probably when she was alive.  She had a baby and probably died while giving birth to it.  The ghost family did not all die at the same time. In fact, the ghost lady's husband was originally going to raise the rape-baby on his own, but then he got hanged by the ghosts.  (I learned this when FX replayed the finale immediately following the finale and I watched the beginning.)  At some point a new family moved into the death house.  The new family makes an incredibly rash decision to make a baby on the butcher block table in the kitchen because their 17-year-old kid will be graduating next year and they worry the house will be too empty.  While they're making it in the kitchen, the ghosts are watching and decide that they need to teach these sex fiends a lesson about bringing a baby into the death house, the hard way.
     The best way for ghosts to teach a lesson is to attack people and confuse them in their dreams and fake kill each other.  The scene where man ghost and woman ghost kill each other for the benefit of creeping out the living people reminded me of the X-Files episode with Ed Asner and Lilly Tomlin.  They do a similar stunt to scare Mulder and Scully.  But I digress.  While the adult ghosts are scaring the adults, the ghost kids are scaring the real kid.  Apparently, Tate is hopelessly in love with Violet, the ghost girl.  I assumed she was a ghost because she was in alive kid's room and he didn't know how she got there.  That's how you know the person who you are talking to is a ghost--they never explain how they inexplicably got into your room.
     This Tate kid always has tears in his eyes.  He's a psychopath, but apparently he's also really emotional about it.  He's in love with Violet and I think maybe this affects him a lot.  He was going to kill Gabe so he could be a ghost and be with Violet to make her happy.  Then Tate got all wimpy and couldn't do it and Violet was all "I didn't say good-bye" and they made out.  I don't know the purpose of ghosts making out. They're ghosts.  They're dead.  How do they feel the magic?
     At one point Tate started to confess what he's done to the ghost dad.  (Ghost Dad!  Remember that Bill Cosby movie?  Good times.)  It was a lot of pretty bad shit.  It made me laugh; I realize this is an inappropriate response. It wasn't what he did that elicited the laughter, but he fact that he just started confessing it all as though that would redeem him some how; the way the words just poured from his mouth caused me to guffaw.  
     Have I mentioned the baby?  I wasn't sure at first if the baby was a ghost baby or not.  It's not; I also decided that a television show would have a really hard time getting a ghost baby on the air.  Stuff happens with the baby.  Over the course of the 40 minutes the ghost family decides it should raise this baby.  It is ghost lady's baby after all.  And then they decorate a Christmas tree, because now ghost families raising psycho babies celebrate Christmas--the day the savior was born.  Sure.  There probably wasn't actually that subtext to that at all, actually.  But then Tate and Kate Mara are watching the ghost family decorate the Christmas tree and Kate Mara says something menacing to Tate.  Dun-dun-dun.  CUT TO:  Three years later.
     I imagine this is a bit that fans of the show are excited about.  Jessica Lange is in a hair dresser and goes on about how she's a mother now.  By now I'm pretty sure that Jessica Lange is Tate's mother, so she's obviously rape-baby's grandmother. She's raising the ghost family's baby.  She goes home, there's blood, and this little blond three-year-old has murdered his nanny.  She says "what will I do with you?" and smiles at him.  Now, I don't know what this means, but I bet it's a huge set up for the next season.

Also, a few extra side notes--thoughts I said to the TV as I was watching:

-No, that doesn't answer the question.
-It's Joe! From Ellen!
-Is there a "shit" quotient you're trying to reach?
-You just told him you raped his wife, so I don't think he wants to hang.
-I have to pee.
-Oh, COME ON!
-Someone's dead.  Are they all dead?  Well, at least someone is newly dead now.
-Bwawawa <<maniacal laughter>>.

Now Mary can tell me what was really happening.  And I'll tell her all about Hot In Cleveland.

Perfume Commercials

     While I was living in DC, I didn't have cable.  I watched most of my television on the internet.  And for the 6 years prior to that, I was a devotee of TiVo or other generic DVR.  Therefore, I haven't actually had to watch commercials in quite some time.  But now, I'm stuck watching them a lot, and among all of them, I find perfume and cologne commercials to be the most outlandish.
     What the hell is ever going on in these commercials?  The first few I saw I was truly confused.  There was water and weird music and hot people and chasing and then someone would whisper the name of the perfume. Fade out.  I spent a moment thinking "what does that have to do with perfume?" or just a plain "whhhaaaaa?"  It's only taken a few weeks of conditioning though; now I can spot them within a nanosecond of coming on. Weird music and a hot person?  This doesn't make sense?  Must be for perfume!
     I suppose I can understand why the folks who are marketing perfume have to go so abstract high concept with it--how can you showcase a smell on TV?  It's a visual medium.  Smell-o-vision failed.  But still, the commercials are ridiculous.  And they're always on.  And mostly, they make me feel weird about watching TV because frankly, they're just a bit like 30-second bits of porn.
      Seriously, what else could this be a commercial for?  Swimming?  Sex?  Penises?

Community Sized Hole

     It takes a  lot of hard work and dedication to watch seasons of TV is just a few days, but it's hard work and dedication I'm willing to put in.  After Thursday's pitch perfect episode of Community, I immediately started missing it.  It's on hiatus and its return date is still unknown.  It left a Community sized hole in my heart and soul.
     Hulu to the rescue.  Hulu Plus, to be exact.  Unlike Google +, Hulu Plus is actually useful and awesome.  (I'm just kidding, Google +.  Please don't take Oliver away.)  Hulu Plus has all 59 episodes available.  I was able to spend my weekend with Community and start healing that fresh wound.
     Upon rewatching the pilot, I actually remember the moment when watching it the first time that I decided I loved the show.  It was toward the end of the episode--Jeff walks by the school and Pierce is standing outside.  Pierce says to Jeff "You remind me of myself at your age."  Jeff retorts with "I deserve that."  With that, the weird little show worked its way into my heart and soul and just about every other part of me it could fit.
     Full disclosure:  I only made it through the first season this past weekend.  If I put my mind to it, I should be able to get through season two and the first half of season three this week.  And then when their return date is announced, I'll have to do it all again.
    It's good to revisit the older episodes.  I had forgotten how and when Troy got his monkey.  SPOILER ALERT--it's the episode where they run the chicken finger ring.  Also, it's a great show to watch over and over just because of how damn good it is.  I realize this word gets thrown around a lot, but this time I mean it--Dan Harmon is a genius.  The show is intricate; there are details and layers that are oft best appreciated upon subsequent viewings.  The jokes are coming at ya fast a furiously!
     Also, I love Troy.  NBC has put together this video to help showcase why he's so damn lovable:

10 Years Too Late

     The X-Files was awesome. I really enjoyed the show.  It actually reached an unhealthy level of obsession somewhere around 1998.  I would set my VCR to record it every week; one week it appeared as though my roommate had taped over it with Yellow Submarine, the Beattles movie.  I may have freaked the fuck out.  Turns out, it only taped over the very beginning and the rest of the episode was available, so nobody had to die.
     I loved The X-Files a great deal, and this led to a lot of assumptions about me that were not true.  I liked the show because of the characters.  I loved watching Mulder and Scully.  I did not care about the aliens or the creatures.  The government conspiracy was only mildly interesting, really.  If it weren't for Mulder and Scully, there would have been no show.  This was proven in season 9, when Mulder went away and everyone stopped watching.
     I held on for Scully, but it still wasn't the same.  Chris Carter, the creator, tried to prove that The X-Files could continue based on the strength of the files themselves.  He figured people were interested in the supernatural and unexplained enough to push forward without the main characters.  He was wrong.  Mulder and Scully were the only reason to watch the show.
     Agent Doggett wasn't terrible.  Nor was Anabeth Gish, even though I don't remember her character's name.  But the files themselves weren't interesting enough to make up for the loss of the great characters.  To prove my point, here are a few clips of great scenes from the show.  They're great because they're about the characters, not about the aliens.
    I wanted to include the last scene of the episode "Post Modern Prometheus," but it was unavailable. This (I assume) fan made video of the episode was though, and it actually gives a pretty good feel for what the show was about. So, against my better judgement about fan-art:

Who Does Matthew Gilbert Think He Is?

     Apparently, Matthew Gilbert has a thing or two to say about Dexter.  And he just doesn't know what he's talking about.  Matthew Gilbert is a TV reviewer who watches TV with a blindfold on.  He's stupid and doesn't know a damn thing about Dexter.
     I don't know a damn thing about Dexter either.  I am also not a television reviewer.  At least, I'm not paid to be a television reviewer.  There are only about three people who listen to what I have to say about television, and they think I'm wrong a lot.   Or slightly misguided.  But really, I know what I'm talking about. I usually  watch the shows I'm reviewing.  I make informed assessments of what is before me.  Matthew Gilbert seemingly does not.
     If I were to review Dexter, I think it would go like this:  Dexter centers around the titular character who happens to be a serial killer, but he tends to be pretty clean about it.  He wears Henley-style shirts when he does his killing, so if he comes to visit and he's wearing that, you're probably done for.  But he kills for the greater good, so you also probably deserve it.  And it's probably the heart of the character than keeps the series going.
     That's really just a first attempt, having only seen one episode.  When Matthew Gilbert reviews Dexter, it goes like this:  blurp blorp bloop blop bloopity bloop bloop blah. Because Matthew Gilbert is stupid and knows nothing about Dexter.

Using Technology To Its Fullest

     The new HD cable box came yesterday.  I was pretty excited about it and hooked it up as soon as I could.  Ah, glorious full-blown High Definition television.  Finally. 
     I got the HD a few months ago.  I had an HD antenna and it delivered great picture, though sometimes it would cut out, like antennas do, especially when the weather was bad.  Then when I moved, for whatever reason, my TV got hooked up to a standard definition cable box.  I didn't want to complain about it, but it brought about a bit of sadness.  SD on an HDTV is just sad, like a puppy with a broken leg.
     So when I finally got the full-blown HD cable box hooked up to my beautiful HDTV, it was like the puppy was cured and started crapping beautiful rainbows.  Beautiful high-def rainbows. 
     As I was flipping through the numerous channels, I stumbled across Leave It To Beaver.  Ahh, the good old Beav.  I still don't understand why the kid's nickname was Beaver, and why they said it so damn much.  But I got sucked in, mostly out of a morbid curiosity for the fifties sentimentality people seem to long for.  You know, things like racism and child abuse that were just so darn funny back then.  Anyway, the point is, I got sucked in.
     My roommate came home; he knew the cable box had come and wanted to check in on it.  He came in the my room to ask very excitedly "how's the new cable box?" and he stopped short to look at the TV.  I was just as enthusiastic about it.  "Great, the picture is--oh, well, I guess Leave It To Beaver isn't the best--"
     "Yeah, I don't think you're really taking full advantage of the HD technology.  If I would have known you were itching to watch shows that existed before color, I might not have tried so hard to get you the HD box."
     We actually had a pretty good hardy laugh over it.  I was using my new HD cable box to catch up on reruns of Leave It To Beaver.  This morning:  The Dick Van Dyke Show..  Or, The Dick Van Dyke Show, as one of my favorite Family Guy bits calls it. 

45 Seconds of 'Hart of Dixie.' A Review

     What the hell?  This show came on my TV and I stared at it for 45 seconds, confused, like a dog who doesn't understand "sit."  What was happening on TV?  What time period were they in?  Was one of these people supposed to be a doctor?  More than one?  Did Nancy Travis lose a bet?  Why, why, why was this all happening?
     I had actually heard of this show before it aired.  "A heart surgeon named Dr. Hart takes over a small town doctor's office and whores it up."  Perhaps that wasn't the exact tagline.  But it's titled Hart of Dixie, and it's about a heart surgeon.  In Dixie.  I don't really know where Dixie is, presumably anywhere south of the Mason-Dixon line.  According to Wikipedia, Dixie is just a nickname for the southern United States.  Based on the 45 seconds I saw, I assume the show uses this generalization so they have every southern stereotype at their disposal.  Why limit themselves to Kentucky stereotypes when they can run the entire gambit of down-home, redneck, backwards, southern-belle, hayseed, racist, slow-talking, comfort-food cooking, back-woods doctoring caricatures they can?  To be clear, I don't think that's all the south is about.  I think the show thinks that what the south is about. 
     Rachel Bilson is in this show.  This was supposed to be a draw; people were supposed to tune in to see her.  I've heard her name before.  I think she was in The Last Kiss with Zach Braff.  She plays a heart surgeon.  This doesn't make any sense.  I would believe it if she were playing a magician's assistant, perhaps.  But a heart surgeon?  I think she's supposed to be kind of down-and-out, a failed heart surgeon if you will.  But still, I don't believe she could have ever made it far enough in her medical training to call herself a failed heart-surgeon.  It's like scoring 750 on your SATs and calling yourself a failed Supreme Court Judge.  Or maybe she was a dog-heart surgeon.  I would also believe she failed out of veterinarian school.   
     In the 45 seconds I watched I saw Rachel Bilson play doctor to a southern belle hell bent on participating in a parade while Nancy Travis watched.  Bilson's great doctorly advice was "you need to take care of yourself."  The southern belle protested because she just had to be in the parade.  Southern belle left and Nancy Travis complimented Bilson on her doctoring.  She had the doctorly poise of a piece of wet white bread.  I was hoping Nancy Travis was being sarcastic.  Also, seriously, Nancy Travis, what happened?  You were in So I Married An Axe Murderer for crying out loud.  You're better than this.  Are you under water on your mortgage?  Do the producers have naked pictures of you they threatened to release if you didn't agree to this?  Are you actually Bilson's mother and as such are contractually obligated to hold her hand through train wrecks and terrible CW shows?  Save yourself, please!  We can forget this ever happened.
     There was also a diner, in which Bilson and the mayor, who was an ex-linebacker and apparently the only black guy in town, had breakfast.  He ordered for her- two number fives with grits.  And then some other tightly wound southern belle from the 40s was screeching about something.  And then there was float building.  And Bilson was dressed in a tank top, jeans, and a bandana and people accused her of being in a gang.  And there was a woman named Lemon.  It was her first name.
     That was 45 seconds of my life I'll never get back.  I was not a fan.  Grade F.  More like Shart of Dixie.  The pixels on my TV deserve better than projecting that crap into my home.  I do not like it.
     I scrambled for the remote and flipped to old episodes of Scrubs.  It's so much more satisfying, and they're believable as doctors.

Whitney: A Review.

     Mediocre.  NBC promoted the hell out of it, so maybe we all went in with too-high expectations, but nonetheless, it was just disappointing.
     Taped in front of a live studio audience, huh?  I didn't think NBC sitcoms still did that.  And this was proof as to why.  It was so damn distracting to hear every line get a laugh and then waiting for the laugh to slow down the pacing so much.  When the audience laughs at a line that I'm not laughing at it, I'm left thinking about how not funny the line was.  I think why would they laugh at that? and then the dialogue just becomes a series of punchlines, when actually, it was supposed to be dialogue.
     There were a few bits like this in Whitney where I could have believed it as a real, funny conversation, but the laugh track made me think it was trite.  So then I stopped caring.  And it happened so soon, that I had stopped caring before the title sequence ran.   
     The pilot revolved around Whitney's fear, nay, hatred of marriage.  A giant pile of exposition was dumped in when her boyfriend just tells us "I know you hate marriage because both of your parents were married three times..."  Oh, ok.  Well, that's her deal.  We can move on now.  Nope.  We actually have to have it out where she gets all mixed up and thinks maybe marriage is the right answer.  And Jane Kaczmarek is seriously misused here as Whitney's mother.  The character was very one note; Ms. Kaczmarek is anything but.
     Overall, the episode was pretty cliched, about single ladies versus marrieds, but there were a few jokes that hit.  The show seemed to really rely on Whitney herself just being able to win people over by being on the screen.  That did not happen.  I did like the blond friend, whose name I don't remember.  She was the newly sarcastic sardonic drink friend, and I think we should all have one of those.  She seemed to be the point where the most organic comedy came from.
     Even though I've said a lot of terrible things about it, it's not actually a terrible show.  It's just not great, and I wanted it to be great.  Because I want everything to be great.  I had heard a few reviews before I actually saw it that were just awful.  Some people couldn't find any redeeming quality to it.  That's not really the case- it's shiny, it has (some) pretty people on it, and there are a few laughs.  It's not unwatchable.  I'll watch it because it's on Thursday night.  But when it gets canceled, I won't think about it anymore.  

Premiere Week

      It's my favorite week of the year: premiere week!  The new fall schedule is on the air.  Old favorites return and new shows try to work their way into my heart.  The television and I get really serious for a few weeks in September.

    The Returning
     Parenthood.  The only show that can consistently make me feel something.  It kicked off a week early, actually, and my rusty-heart-door was ready to let the Bravermans in.  Swoon.
     Parks and Recreation.  There are almost no words to express how excited I am about the season premiere of this show.  It's the best show on television.  I have it written on my calendar, and circled with stars and arrows.  I'm so happy to be let into Pawnee, Indiana again.  You know, without having to travel to the mid-west.
     Community. I really enjoy this show.  It's smart and funny.  And John Goodman joins the cast this season, and he's always good.  I'm looking forward to reinvigorating my crush on Donald Glover.  And Danny Pudi.  And Alison Brie.
     Modern Family.  It's really good.
     Happy Endings.  It came in as a kind of mid-season or summer replacement show.  But I liked it enough to stick with it.  I want to see where it goes.  It seemed to start off a little weak, but picked up by the end of its run, so hopefully its full season will work.  

     The New
     Up All Night.  It premiered a week before official premiere week, and I already love it.  I've been a Will Arnett fan for years, and I really enjoy him in this role.  Well, the entire cast is wonderful.  Christina Applegate.  Maya Rudolph.  You could just put the three of them in a blank room and it would be worth watching.
      The New Girl.  Zooey Deschanel is pretty damn awesome.  I'm not a fan of the word "adorkable."  It think it's trying too hard.  The show, however, I enjoyed.  It's only one episode in, but I plan to stick with it.
     2 Broke Girls.  Yes.  This was smart and funny and real.
     Whitney.  Whitney Cummings gets two new shows this fall.  Unreal.  She also created the aforementioned 2 Broke Girls.  Whitney premieres tonight.  Curiosity piqued.  I watch all the comedy pilots, so I'm tuning in, and trying really hard to not pre-judge.  I do already like that she wears hoodies though.
     Free Agents.  This also premiered last week, right after Up All Night.  It made me laugh, which is something I look for in a comedy.  Critics were not as convinced.
     Prime Suspect.  The only new drama on my list.  I like Maria Bello a whole lot, and I've been looking for a good replacement for ER in the Thursday night schedule.
     Last Man Standing.  New Tim Allen.  That's really all I have to say about that.
     Man Up.  I know less about this show than I do about Last Man Standing.
     How To Be A Gentleman.  It's on opposite of Parks&Rec.  It's already dead-in-the-water.  I've already forgotten it exists. 

     I didn't mention 30 Rock because it doesn't return until November, so it doesn't fit into premiere week.  I didn't forget about it though.  I'd never forget about it.  Also, Cougar Town has a late return, and rumor has it, a new title.  I'm also looking forward to that.   
     I noticed that there are actually two comedies that I didn't put in my list: Suburgatory and I Hate My Teenage Daughter.  Perhaps I'll catch these on Hulu, just to make sure I judge them fairly, but they're up against Free Agents and Happy Endings respectively, and both about life in the suburbs, and I just can't relate to that.  Unlike all of the other shows that I can totally relate too.  Plus, I Hate My Teenage Daughter is a title that just sounds like an amalgamation of Everybody Hates Chris (already a rip on Everybody Loves Raymond) and 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter.  If the title is an amalgamation, I can't help but be suspicious that the show will also be a tossed-salad of sitcom teenager tropes.  But again, I'm trying to not pre-judge.

Happy Birthday, Oliver

     Today, Oliver is one year old.  Wow.  He's grown up so fast.  Yet, at the same time, he's still as unfocused as ever. 
     Oliver is having a bit of a mid-life crisis this week, so his posts have been lacking.  But the new fall season is kicking up, and, as I mentioned way back on Oliver's third post, it is My Favorite Season.  This will give us plenty of material in the next few weeks.  Once again, Parenthood will be working its way into my heart.  And I have many comedy pilots to watch and mull over.  A few kicked off early, and I am already pulling for Up All Night to do great things.   
     It is his birthday, so I don't want him to have to work too hard.  It's why he took yesterday off.  And Monday, well, that was a prep day.  Oliver is a little older now, and perhaps a little wiser.  (No, he's not any wiser.)  I hope this day gives him a change to reflect on the good times of the past and also look to the promise of the future.  This will be his year!