Thursday, March 1, 2012

Maxwell House Commercial

     I hate that Maxwell House commercial. A lot. So much that I'm hitting the keyboard to tell others how much I hate it.
     It begins with a couple at a nice restaurant and a waiter about to plunge a french press. Then douchehat walks in carrying a Mr. Coffee coffee pot and a mug. He says "is this what we're doing now?" and then berates the french press and makes a potty reference with the word plunger. Then he talks about Maxwell House French Roast coffee, makes a comment about gravity, and eats a bowl of shit.
     This guy doesn't know what he's talking about. I realize it's not that guy's fault--it's a team of advertisers and marketers and probably some monkeys. But all of their idiot ideas and misconceptions are being transmitted through this douche-puppet, so I'm blaming him. The burden of perpetuating white-trash bad-coffee-drinking mentality is all on him.
     No, this isn't what we're doing now. It's how we've been making coffee for years. YEARS! Since the 30s, at least. It's also how we make coffee that doesn't take like shit. Pressing the coffee extracts more of the flavor out of the bean. It creates a three-dimensional cup of java. It's so damn good.
     French Roast has nothing to god-damn do with it. The roast is the roast is the roast. French roast just means it's a dark roast. It's not even a universal term across all coffee roasters. For some roasters, French is the darkest. For other roasters, it's not quite. It's a term we use that means it's probably a dark roast. With dark roasts, the flavor comes out of the roast and not as much from the bean. But it has nothing to do with how the coffee is brewed. You won't get the same brilliant flavor from a drip pot as you will from a french press, even if you use the same beans.
     Gravity? You ass. A drip coffee-pot uses more than just gravity to make coffee. A lot more. There are pressure valves and heating elements and all kinds of shit involved. You know what uses gravity to make coffee? A FRENCH PRESS! Also, the pour over method, but I doubt that guy knows what that is since it took him 80 years to stumble across a french press.
     The snide plunger comment is just uncalled for. It doesn't make sense. It's potty humor. The only people you're convincing to try your product are the slack-jawed two-tooth-mouthed morons who spend most of their day in the shitter anyway. You're pandering, and it's gross.
      They're telling lies to sell a shitty product; that's what irks me about it. If douchehat just entered the frame and said "Maxwell House has a new French Roast. Try it please." I wouldn't be nearly as riled up. I might snicker a bit because I still think they make terrible coffee, but I understand they have to try to sell their product, so fine. But damn it, they're telling lies. You know, you could make Maxwell House in a french press. It would still taste like shit and you'd get ground in the cup because it's not ground course enough, but you could do it.  They're a coffee company who don't know things about coffee. Or at least that's the impression their putting out there to pander. They're either idiots or their lying idiots.
     Drink good coffee! Make it in a french press! Use gravity!


  1. YES. I was searching for this commercial online to BASH it on FB and I found this post. Agree 100%

  2. question. Do you know what this guy you hate so much is off of? I've seen him on a tv show and i can't think of his name and it's driving me crazy!! Anyone please help?!

  3. He does look familiar! But I don't know who he is either. I hope someone knows! If I figure it out, I'll let you know!

    1. I recognized him as the actor who played Dracula on Supernatural.

  4. He is Dale from the TV Show "The Riches". I'm also to find other people who are as pissed off as I am about that stupid commerical.

  5. If this posts a million times - my apologies. I tried to from mobile, apparently that was a bad idea.

    I couldn't have said any of this better myself! I seem to have found this like most everyone else.. just looking for the commercial!

    I'm curious -- do you think anyone has tried to contact Maxwell House? I'm sure this managed to offend many coffee snobs (no negative connotation to that word, by the way.. )

  6. Found it. Can't watch half of it without raging.

  7. Thanks, David!
    Man, I hate that commercial!

  8. you know... as much as I hate the actor, I think the commercial would be terrible even with someone likable!

  9. Funny. I thought it was Dave Matthews, but it turned out to be some other idiot instead.

  10. Brava! Thank you thank for putting into words the annoyance I feel everytime I see that stupid commercial. I am not even a coffee drinker, but the irritation factor is the same as if I did.

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  12. You gotta wonder if the ad agency that put this together must have felt that making their spokesperson come off as an asshat would make the spot memorable?

    I thought people who hung out at coffee shops came off as effete and intolerable -- though they are not. Not someone who drinks coffee that comes out of a metal can.

    Thanks for posting this.