Ugly Charts

Usually I like to leave my work out of Oliver, but today, something so awful happened I had to share it.  I made the ugliest histogram I've ever seen.  I've taken out the words so you can't piece it together, but here is that ugly ugly chart:

There are 16 different colors on it.  They are associated with 31 different bars.  There are trend lines.  There are labels as well, but I have spared you those.  Trust me, they're awful.  The information intended to be represented here is lost amongst the explosion of color and sadness.  Those pastel colors in the middle were a necessary evil because the other colors available in Excel 03 are bright neon colors that make it look like a histogram on the surface of the sun. 

     The worst part is that this is part of a series.  There are at least 8 other graphs that look very similar to this.  It looks like I murdered clowns and spread them all over my computer.  Remember the good old days when we just made histograms out of construction paper and marker representing how many times we flipped heads and how many times we flipped tails?  I long for that histogram.  If my high school statistics teacher saw this, surely he would unwind his handlebar mustache, walk straight to DC, and slap me across the face.  This is an ugly chart; it is a miscarriage of statistical representation.

UPDATE:
Now, this is the ugliest histogram I've ever had to make:

 18 colors over 42 bars.  I had to use gray on the last three.  It's terrible.  Just fucking awful.

St. Patrick's Day

Today is a great day.  So great, I made a chart about it.

The morning went per the usual.  (I wanted to abbreviate usual, but I don't know how to spell that.  It's like you-j, with a soft j.  But that is not shorter.  Per the uj?  From now on, if I write uj, I mean usual, but for short.)  The alarm went off, I was not happy about it, and I hit snooze for an hour.
     Once I'm awake and moving, I get to feeling pretty good.  I'm still on a high from the Lucinda Williams concert, so I crank her up on my iPod as I make my way through the Metro system.
      Then I go to work.  The waiting.  The WooHoo factor is at an all time low, since all I can do is watch the clock tick.  I'm leaving at lunch time today to facilitate a proper celebration, and lunch time cannot come soon enough.  The morning drags on.
     The end of the graph is more of an extrapolation based on expectations and past performance.  I'm pretty confident in its accuracy.  As the time goes on, the WooHoo factor goes towards infinity, just like any good exponential function would.
      Were I to attempt to write out the fomulae for the chart, it might look like this:

WooHoo(t) = 2t + 2

_{t= 6am→ getting to work}

WooHoo(t) = 0

_{t= getting to work → lunch time}

WooHoo(t) = e^t + Guinness

_{t = lunch time → party time!}

 I have to admit, my formula skills are a little rusty.  But I think you get the idea.
     In the grand tradition of holidays, I will be taking tomorrow off, so there will most likely be no Oliver update.  I recommend listening to as much Lucinda Williams and Dropkick Murphys as you can to get you through the long weekend.  Also, remember a few years ago almost dying at the St. Patrick's Day Dropkick Murphys concert?  I'm glad I did it, but I won't ever do it again.  Seriously, I thought I was going to get murdered, and not in a good way.

A 30 Second Emotional Roller Coaster Ride

     A few days ago I ordered some DVDs (Spring Breakdown among them) from Amazon and they were scheduled to arrive today.  While at work, I kind of forgot, but then as I walked closer and closer to my house, I remembered, and I nearly ran home.  I didn't run, because of the snow and ice and because I don't like running if I'm not being chased.  But I was excited to get my movies.  As I approached my front door I experienced the wildest emotional roller coaster to be had in 30 seconds.
     I walked up to the door and I saw the yellow UPS sticker indicating they had been there.  I was sad as I wished they could just leave the packages.  I got really sad.
     Then I approached the door and read the sticker.  It read "In your absence your package was left under the mailbox."  I got really happy.
    Then I looked under the mailbox and nothing was there.  I got really sad.
    Then I peered through the door I was opening towards the lobby and saw the package.  A neighbor and brought it inside and left it on the steps.  I was really really happy.

     If I were graph my emotions as a function of time, it would look like this:

That is basically a roller coaster.  An emotional roller coaster. 

Shout Out a Suggestion

     I've mentioned before that when I'm at a loss for ideas, I'll often shout out to my good friend Mary for suggestions.  This time her suggestion was "me and tea."  Nothing immediately came to mind, but I like a challenge. 
  
Mary and Tea
     Almost every day, some form of this conversation happens:

Mary: This tea isn't very good.
Nancy: Tea sucks.   

I think Mary genuinely likes tea.  I used to like the idea of tea, but I've gotten over that.  I've been a coffee drinker since I was 13, and to me, tea is just really weak shitty coffee.  Except iced tea.  I love iced tea, but not sweetened, and not with lemon.  This is apparently an odd way to drink iced tea.
     Several years ago, I attempted to become a tea drinker.  I was living on a barge in the middle of the sea profiting greatly from the trade of teas and spices, so I had it at my disposal.*  I opted for a tea named Tension Tamer; there was a picture of a lion on the box, or a dragon.  It might have been Morning Thunder with the buffalo.  I don't actually remember.  I attempted to make it part of my routine.  One of the things I liked about tea is that when it got cold, it still tasted like tea.  I think my affair with tea lasted about three days.
     I will still drink tea on occasion- mostly on the occasion of being ill.   I still enjoy a cup of peppermint tea when I'm wrapped up in sweats and blankets and have tissues shoved up my nose.  For some reason, peppermint tea cures what ails you.  Or at least cups of hot water cure what ails you, but the peppermint makes it easier to take.  
      A few of my current coworkers are tea drinkers.  I resent them for it.

I'm going to get coffee, would you like some?
No thanks, I drink tea.

It's almost as bad as those people who constantly remind you they don't own a television.  They're actually constantly reminding you that they're better than you.  I bet the venn diagram of people who drink tea and people who don't own televisions looks like this:

There are probably a few people who drink tea because of dietary restrictions but still enjoy watching TV.  Also, there are probably a few homeless people who don't own TVs or drink tea.  Other than that though, I think there's probably a pretty strong overlap.
     So anyway, Mary, the reason your tea sucks is because in general, tea sucks.  Drink coffee!


*This is not true.

Chart and Graphs

     I have a decent amount of formal training in math and science, and my mind still works that way.  Happiness isn't just happiness, it is a function of some other thing.  For example, my happiness as a function of the day of the week looks a bit like a cosine wave, with a few imperfections of course. 

 My happiness can also be broken down as a function of how far away I am from work.  I live approximately 5 miles from my job.

 

This week is my favorite holiday of the year.  The excitement is palpable.  This palpable: