Maxwell House Commercial

     I hate that Maxwell House commercial. A lot. So much that I'm hitting the keyboard to tell others how much I hate it.
     It begins with a couple at a nice restaurant and a waiter about to plunge a french press. Then douchehat walks in carrying a Mr. Coffee coffee pot and a mug. He says "is this what we're doing now?" and then berates the french press and makes a potty reference with the word plunger. Then he talks about Maxwell House French Roast coffee, makes a comment about gravity, and eats a bowl of shit.
     This guy doesn't know what he's talking about. I realize it's not that guy's fault--it's a team of advertisers and marketers and probably some monkeys. But all of their idiot ideas and misconceptions are being transmitted through this douche-puppet, so I'm blaming him. The burden of perpetuating white-trash bad-coffee-drinking mentality is all on him.
     No, this isn't what we're doing now. It's how we've been making coffee for years. YEARS! Since the 30s, at least. It's also how we make coffee that doesn't take like shit. Pressing the coffee extracts more of the flavor out of the bean. It creates a three-dimensional cup of java. It's so damn good.
     French Roast has nothing to god-damn do with it. The roast is the roast is the roast. French roast just means it's a dark roast. It's not even a universal term across all coffee roasters. For some roasters, French is the darkest. For other roasters, it's not quite. It's a term we use that means it's probably a dark roast. With dark roasts, the flavor comes out of the roast and not as much from the bean. But it has nothing to do with how the coffee is brewed. You won't get the same brilliant flavor from a drip pot as you will from a french press, even if you use the same beans.
     Gravity? You ass. A drip coffee-pot uses more than just gravity to make coffee. A lot more. There are pressure valves and heating elements and all kinds of shit involved. You know what uses gravity to make coffee? A FRENCH PRESS! Also, the pour over method, but I doubt that guy knows what that is since it took him 80 years to stumble across a french press.
     The snide plunger comment is just uncalled for. It doesn't make sense. It's potty humor. The only people you're convincing to try your product are the slack-jawed two-tooth-mouthed morons who spend most of their day in the shitter anyway. You're pandering, and it's gross.
      They're telling lies to sell a shitty product; that's what irks me about it. If douchehat just entered the frame and said "Maxwell House has a new French Roast. Try it please." I wouldn't be nearly as riled up. I might snicker a bit because I still think they make terrible coffee, but I understand they have to try to sell their product, so fine. But damn it, they're telling lies. You know, you could make Maxwell House in a french press. It would still taste like shit and you'd get ground in the cup because it's not ground course enough, but you could do it.  They're a coffee company who don't know things about coffee. Or at least that's the impression their putting out there to pander. They're either idiots or their lying idiots.
     Drink good coffee! Make it in a french press! Use gravity!

Why I Won't Be A Parent. Part One.

     I think the idea of joyful children is a myth perpetuated by generations and generations for self preservation and comeuppance.   I overheard a conversation once that went like this: “yeah, but kids are great.”  “They really are.”  There was no supporting evidence.  Parents have to constantly justify what makes all the pain worth it.  It never seems worth it.  “Oh, when he runs at me when I come home and hugs me, that's when I know it’s worth it.”  That’s it?  That’s the damn moment that makes getting shit on, screamed at, swatted at, and innumerable more horrible thing by these tiny little assholes worth it?  A goddamn running hug by someone who’s probably just going to give you the flu anyway? 

     Kids are assholes and they always have been.  But we’re made to feel like awful people for thinking it—and especially for saying it.  They’re selfish little monsters.  There’s nothing we can do about it.  Parents convince their children to have children as payback.  That’s it.  There was not actually any joy involved in the raising of the child.  People say all the time that it’s the hardest thing in the world.  It’s the hardest thing in the world, but sometimes they come runnin’ to hug you, so it’s worth it!  Bullshit. 

     Stupid people keep having kids because sex feels good.  Smart people stop having kids because kids are assholes.  Stupid people have stupid assholes.  At least when smart people had smart assholes, smart assholes are usually good for something.  Stupid assholes are just good for having more stupid assholes and increasing CMTs market share.

I'm Late, I'm Late

     I procrastinated just a little too much.  When the time was right to write a clever little post, the power went out.  Pretty inexplicably actually.  Not all the power was.  Just some of it.  Plus, when the sun is up, it's harder to remember the power is out because we still have lights.  And then you  think that to make some time pass while staring at a blank screen, you'll cook something or get something from the fridge.  Oh.  No.  You can't do those things.  You can't even make coffee, which seems simple.  But it turns out we need power to do a whole bunch of things. 
     This reminds me of a story from a few years ago when I was working at a nuclear power plant.  I had gone out for drinks with my crew and they were trying to pick up girls.  One of them got into an elaborate discussion about the warrants of nuclear power.  He listed the pros and indeed even some of the cons, and discussed the pros and cons of other types of power generation.  From a few bar stools away, his argument seemed pretty sound.  She should have at least not been completely against nuclear power at that point.  But then she said something that gave us all pause:  "Why don't we just use electricity?"
     Yes, dumb girl, why indeed, don't we just use electricity?  My friend didn't keep talking to her, he has his standards.  We all walked away, shaking our heads, leaving her to be roofied by a guy without such standards.  She was completely serious, and this disquieted us.  Why not just use electricity?  Where to begin?
     Anyway, eventually the power came back up, and I was forced to stare at the blank screen for quite a while.  The blinking cursor is intimidating.  I was already late for my self-imposed deadline.  I was getting later.  Which means I needed a really good excuse for being late.  Which means I probably needed a fantastic post, to really knock your socks off, to make your wait worth while.  So that when you finished reading it, you were so satisfied, you could forgive the lateness.  Instead, however, I just kept thinking about the dumb girl at the bar and how she's probably a doctor by now.  Or a doctor's mistress.

Reenacting Heat Stroke

     This weekend is the anniversary of the Battle of Manassas, more commonly known (by the winners) as The First Battle of Bull Run.  Every year, people reenact the battle.  They go the full nine, on the actual battle grounds, with the muskets and drummer boys and the uniforms.    
     The news this week has been all about the heat wave.  It's been brutal.  It makes me want to vomit.  The heat takes my breath away. 
     I watch the local news for entertainment and the weather, because I'm turning into an old man.  I hear the anchor say "You think being out in the heat is rough, what if you had to do it in a wool uniform?"  My curiosity was piqued for about a nanosecond until I saw they were talking about Civil War Reenactors.  Then I yelled at the TV "You don't HAVE to do that!"
     It is completely ridiculous.  There is no reason to get dressed up in authentic wool uniforms and reenact a bloody battle from a war that they ended up losing anyway.  They want me to feel sorry for them because they're doing this in the heat?  No.  Fuck that.  Go inside, assholes.  You're making fools of yourselves.  The organizers are trying to promote it saying they have cooling tents and water stations at various spots throughout the battle site.  Presumably just like they had during the Civil War.  That the south lost.  Ugh.  Ridiculous.
     They actually want people to watch.  Why would I do this?  If I really wanted to learn about the Battle of Bull Run, I'll pull out The People's History of the United States and read it inside my house, where I have my own cooling tents and unlimited supply of water.   
     "How are you dealing with this heat?" a reporter asks some jackass dressed like General Beauregard.  "I'm drinking plenty of h-two-o.  Lots of water."  Sage advice.  Or, you could just not do it.  You could sit in a room in the library and reenact it with pieces from Risk.
     The government has declared the last few days to be "Black Flag" days.  The weather reports come in red flashes with words like Extreme Heat Warning.  They caution about going outside at all.  It's dangerous for "all people" according to the local news.
      You're Civil War reenactors!  This is not a crucial element; we don't need this to happen.  Why are you doing it?  Some guy claimed it was the least he could do to honor those who also suffered through the heat but who also suffered through the battle.  No, that is not the least you could do.  The least you could do is sit inside and not die of heat stroke.  Someone else claimed it was nice to see history come alive.  The reporter interviewed a woman with a Bluetooth headpiece in her ear.  "I'm a 4th grade teacher, and I teach the Civil War as part of my ciric-lum."  Ah, yes.  That's nice.  Either you're coming to the reenactment because you don't know enough about the Civil War to teach it without seeing it happen in front of you, or you also brought along 25 - 30 4th graders to stand in the heat with you.  Either way, fantastic teaching. 
     I suppose if you want to stand out in heat stroke inducing heat and pretend to shoot at people, that's your business.  But don't you dare try to make me feel sorry for you.  It's your own damn dumb fault you're out there. 
     Clearly, this heat is making me crazy. 

Shut It Down.

     I hope that if the government does shut down, President Obama has the fortitude and pop-cultural awareness to just shout "Shut it down!" and then walk out of the White House and head to his Colonial Williamsburg vacation.  The lines between politics are increasingly blurred mostly with help from CNN and their journalist-stand-up-comic team.
     Did you check out that CNN link?  There's a picture of The Three Stooges.  The headline reads "The Fight Just Gets Dumber."  Well sure, CNN, when you put it that way, it does seem to be getting dumber.  We're in a 24-hour news cycle and every angle of the possible shutdown has to be told.
     I caught the end of a news segment yesterday where the reporter was making the point that this is Spring Break (Spring Break!  Woo!) week and there would be many students here to check out pieces of historical interest, but those doors would be closed.  At first I scoffed thinking that was hardly the most important thing about this looming shutdown.  But then I thought about it and how pissed I would be if I was planning a week long vacation to some place and it was just closed.  It would be like Vacation- almost exactly like it.  WallyWorld is closed, except by WallyWorld, we mean the government so no, you can't visit museums or the zoo.
     The radio was full of reminders of the dozens of things that are still available even if the government does shut down.  The Newseum, for example, is not a government funded museum and is fun for all ages.  And there are plenty of private art museums.  My favorite was that you could still look at the monuments.  The elevator that goes to the top of the Washington Monument would be closed, but you can still go to the park and stare at it.  That's good news, they're not going to cover up the monuments.
     Here in the district this very national problem has also taken on a local flavor.  There was a town hall meeting held last night and the news coverage of it really did look like a scene from Parks&Rec.  Except instead of cool calm Leslie Knope fielding the irate townspeople, it was Virginia Congressman Jim Moran yelling back at the people who were yelling at him.  One man asked why Jim Moran was having an Emergency Town Hall meeting instead of being AT congress trying to fix the problem.  It may have been a fair point.  Jim Moran started answering the question and when the man interrupted, Moran laid the smack down.  It was local government.  But it's not.  An interesting dichotomy for the area indeed.
     If the government shuts down there won't be a Cherry Blossom festival.  People won't stand for that.  Recent news states that the Republicans and Democrats can't even agree on what they don't agree on.  I'm going out on a limb here.  Or at least I'm showing a limb I haven't shown before.  A huge part of the discussion is over Planned Parenthood, and therefore abortion.  You tell enough people that they can't watch a Cherry Blossom Festival parade and stare at some pretty pretty trees because the government doesn't want to fund abortion, they'll start pushing girls-in-trouble down the stairs.  Tell you what, I'll pay for your abortions.  First ones free.  Come on!  My friends want to visit the Natural History Museum.
     I don't know any more than anyone else about how the next few hours are going to go. As a matter of fact, this might be completely irrelevant by the time it posts. But if there is a shutdown, I hope they announce it in a manner consistent with this video.

    

Our Moral Compass

     I resent the fact that there is a collective moral compass.  Mostly because those who feel we have one are typically curmudgeonly old men who fear things that might be different.  I overheard someone yell today "we've lost our moral compass."  What he means is that he wants to fight tooth and nail to stay in the dark ages, where things didn't make him feel icky. 
     As proof, he came up with the world's weakest argument.  It was equivalent to a five year old screaming "I don't wanna."  Well, that's not good enough. 
     I think individuals have a moral compass.  I don't think there is a collective one.  The idea of the collective experience has been fading for quite some time now, especially within pop-culture. Perhaps it's a pretty fine line to connect pop-culture to more substantial things like a collective moral compass, but I actually don't think so.  I see it as being more cyclical, where real life influences pop-culture and then pop-culture influences real-life.  It's the whole art-imitates-life v life-imitates-art argument.  I take a firm stance in the middle of that debate.
     That's beside the point.  Truth is, I'm not really sure what the point is.  I just think there is an odd correlation between folks who squawk about our moral compass and how old they are.  I felt as though I was in a bit of an odd position, overhearing someone yell about a moral compass that is so completely different from mine.  I'm actually so mad about it, I could spit.  And that should explain the incomprehensibility of this post. 

I'm Doing Exactly What They Asked Me Not To Do

     Last month I started a post like this: You Can Never Go Home Again. And when you want to run as far away as possible from home, you can't really do that either. That's just one more problem with home.
     I had decided not to continue with it, because I didn't have nice things to say, and the downward spiral was going pretty damn fast. About a week or so ago a video went viral: the one of Graeme Taylor giving a speech to the Howell Public School board. Graeme decided he should stand up for the teacher who he felt stood up for kids like him. Graeme has a few things to say about what a rotten place Howell is. I grew up there; I agree with Graeme.
     The school board is pretty damn tired of getting harassed by people who feel the school board sucks. Their letter to the "community" is here:  Superintendent's statement regarding recent events.  He correctly identifies the harassment as ironic.  (I used quotes for community because I feel it is more a loosely bound group of rednecks than a real community.)
     It would be nice to know the facts, but because the events unfurled in front of teenagers, we will never know the facts.  (Yes, because teenagers are unreliable.)  The thing is though, even without the facts, I still think Graeme makes a damn good point.  The reason he so easily paints Howell as being "bigoted, racist, and homophobic" is because it has spent its entire history being just that.  It feels (or at least felt) that every time progress was made, some jackass ruined it for everyone by being stupid but claiming it was their right to be so.  Congratulations, you have the right to be stupid, and you'll die in Howell, most likely from a hunting accident. 
     I love rules more than most people do, or probably should.  So the teacher probably did break a policy and should then be properly disciplined.  But really, really, I dont think that's the problem.  I think the problem began much earlier than that, and it is the groundwork for perpetuating the bigotry, racism, and homophobia rampent in Howell.  The smart people get out, and the rest just breed.    

There's Got To Be An Easier Way

     A short commercial for Yoplait Smoothie mix came on just a moment ago on my Pandora station.  The over arching selling point for this mix is that it makes making smoothies so much easier than the conventional method of making smoothies.  According to the average-consumer woman, her friend claims she loves smoothies, but they are just so hard to make.  They are hard because first, you have to go out and buy fruit.  With smoothie mix, you just add the mix and milk to your blender and viola, you have a smoothie.  And yes, she did actually say "there's got to be an easier way."  Or maybe she said "there must be an easier way" or some other paraphrased version of that statement.  The point is, apparently this smoothie mix is the easier way.  Umm.  You still have to go out and buy the smoothie mix.  The mix doesn't really make the process easier, it makes it dumber.  If you want a really easy way to make smoothies, go to a restaurant that sells smoothies.  Smoothies are not hard to make.  You pretty much put whatever you want in a blender and hit blend.  Or frappe!  Any setting will work, it doesn't really matter.
     I crack up every time I see these commercials.  Usually they're infomercials, but sometimes they are just a 30 second spot.  The stupidly simple is made to look ridiculously difficult in order to convince you that you can't function as a human without this product.  There are a few products that are decent, but I still resent the implication that without them, we can't enjoy things like pasta, or our plants.
     There are several products aimed at making pasta a simpler task.  The pot with the strainer built into the lid.  The microwavable auto-pasta cooker.  I have never had as much trouble making pasta as the people in the commercials.  They end up with third degree burns all over their bodies from dumping boiling hot water and pasta directly on themselves.  I imagine these are very faint-of-heart people whose children frighten them from behind every time they cook pasta.  How else could that happen?  In one of the advertisements, the announcer states "metal pots can get very hot."  Yes.  I hope so- that's how it cooks my food.  However, this is a cautionary tale.  He's probably trying to convince us all we should be cooking our pasta and sauce in one container in the microwave.  It apparently saves on the dish washing, which these people have apparently never ever done, judging from the piles and piles of pots and pans in their sinks. 
    To quote Mitch Hedberg: "Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach?"  Again, a few of these products are useful and/or decorative.  However, the commercials make it seem as though you are simply a bad person who wishes to kill rain forests if you're not using this to water your plants.  Or grow them, or whatever other use they have.  There's one for some sort of edge trimmer that can perform miracles.  The before edge trimmer is apparently a secret war machine produced by the Nazis in order to perpetuate back problems, killing the old and discouraging the young from dreaming.  The new edge trimmer makes the world a better place. 
     The Magic Bullet?  It's just a blender.  It might be a nice blender.  It may even be pretty convenient.  And if you don't already have a blender, I wouldn't see why this would be a bad choice.  But since I don't buy ingredients already chopped up and separated into ramekins, it's not as time saving as the commercials would have you believe.  There's a comedian out there who does a bit about this very fact.  If I find his routine, I'll come back and link it.  He makes a good point.  Perhaps it blends in under 10 seconds, but the entirety of food preparation is not completed in under 10 seconds.  Its many claims have little to do with the functionality of the product and more to do with your actual choices.  It doesn't make food healthier.  You can make healthy food with it, but you can also make healthy food without it.  
     All of these commercials prey on how helpless we think we are, or on how lazy we actually are.  The products may or may not be useful; the commercials are pretty damn hilarious.    
     My two favorite "infomericals": The Jar Glove and The Tracy Jordan Meat Machine.  

What Didn't Make The Cut

     Piggybacking on yesterday's post, and reflecting on September 18th's post, My Favorite Season, I wanted to talk about what just didn't make the cut for my fall viewing schedule.  As I mentioned, I watch all comedy pilots.  This short list is actually just those shows that were new this year that I will not be watching for the remainder of the season.

Mike & Molly.  It's bad.  It's not funny.  The premise is awful.  I actually watched several episodes of this, mostly out of boredom and disbelief.  Fat joke after fat joke.  The one joke that was actually funny didn't have anything to do with being fat.  It would be nice if the show could be about these nice people who happen to be fat, rather than just being about fat, and maybe there are people under the fat.  And I'm not offended as a fat person, I'm offended as a comedian.  More so than that, I'm offended as a person with a brain.  It's drivel, and it got picked up for an entire season.  This means other people are watching it, more than they are watching good shows that deserve whole seasons.  This makes me sad for our country.  The perpetuation of this show, this brand of humor, and Chuck Lorre productions are giant shining examples of what is wrong with our country.  Laugh at the fat kid, because he's fat, and he can laugh at himself, isn't that funny, ha-ha, it was funny when we were seven so it's still funny now because we never learn a god damn thing.
     Melissa McCarthy is awesome.  I don't know her as a person, but in the roles I've seen her play there is a sweetness to her.  She makes good characters.  Her character isn't all that bad in this show.  But the show is bad, so it reflects poorly on her.  Just like putting prime rib inside of a shit-stew would reflect poorly on the prime rib; and the prime rib would still taste like shit.
     To revamp the show, I say we 1. Take it away from Chuck Lorre. 2. Change its title.  Perhaps to just "Molly."  Yes, that is a hint. 3.  Make Mike a background player.  Maybe he's around, maybe she meets him at her OA meetings, but the premise of the show is that two fat people meet and fall in love.  That's already given away in the freaking title and theme jingle.  Where is there left to go?  Nowhere.  Or, apparently, shitsville.  4.  Focus on Molly and her mother, and to a lesser extent her sister.  Swoosie Kutz deserves to always be working, and her talent is wasted as a supporting character.  Well, her talent is wasted on this steaming pile in general.  Anyway: focus on Molly and make it not be about her being fat.  Just let her be that.  It'll be ok.  We don't always have to make jokes about peoples physical appearance all of the time.  5.  Cancel It.

Better With You. I had high hopes for this because it was created by Shana Goldberg-Meehan.  She was a big part of Friends, producing it or something, and she is also Gary David Goldberg's daughter; he created Family Ties.  I suppose this show proves that 1. past success doesn't guarantee future success, and 2. talented parents don't necessarily beget talented children.  It's not very funny and it's boring.  When watching comedy, I prefer it to be funny.  Drifting off to sleep during a 30 minute comedy is a bad sign.  Everything is so predictable and so stereo-typed it becomes painful.  My best bet for a review is to just list synonyms for boring and unfunny.  This too was picked up for a full season.  The National Average IQ has just gone down 20 points.

Outsourced.  A few people called it racist.  It probably is, but that's not why I don't watch it.  I may actually watch it if it were more racist.  In the way where racism can be funny, you know?  Eh, anyway, I don't want to spend too much time thinking about this show.  I watched the pilot episode, and then half of the following weeks'.  Then I turned it off and went to bed.  It's not funny, and again, I was bored.  However, this show ALSO got picked up for a full season.  I can't understand it.

Shit My Dad Says.  What?  This is a show?  On television?  Good day to you, sir.

Being Part of the Problem

     I must admit that I stole the tag of “The Decline of Civilization” from Tom. I amended it to “The Decline of Civilization, Nay,” or attempted to anyway, but it was automatically changed into two separate tags. I went with it. Moving on.
    I may be a prime example of this decline. This afternoon, when I returned home from company sponsored bowling, I decided to do a little reading. It took a few minutes to stumble to this conclusion. This was after checking email, Facebook, and then literally, standing in my room looking around for about three solid minutes.
     I considered writing. The computer was on, and a word document was open. I even wrote two sentences. One of those sentences was about a nap. I looked over to the bed and it nearly called to me. I really wanted a nap. But it was 5 in the afternoon, so a nap didn’t seem appropriate. I considered watching a DVD or something on Hulu. That gets pretty involved. I watch DVDs or Hulu on the other computer because the desktop has better speakers. I would need to turn that computer on, find a DVD or Hulu program worthy of nap time space,and there’s bending involved. Just thinking about it made me want a nap even more, so I put a pin in that idea.
     A book! I could read a book. It was possible I would drift off into nap land whilst reading the book, but it seemed like a good compromise. So I pulled out my book, lay on my bed, mostly sitting up, and started reading. Approximately two pages in my phone rang. There was a pirate party, and we needed costumes. The party wasn’t for another three hours, but this needed to be dealt with right away.
     I am not a clothes horse, so normal outfits are hard enough for me to find, let alone putting something together for a pirate party. I even attempted to go with the more topical Somali pirate outfit, but I still have no appropriate clothes for that. I ended up in a blue bandanna and snake earrings. I put on extra eye makeup and extended my r’s when I spoke. Lauri lent me an eye patch.
      Hopefully I’ll get back to reading that book. Probably tomorrow, or the next day. I’ll read a page at a time on my commute to work. I believe reading more will help the world in general. Obviously there are a lot of steps between those two things, but I think the better read we as a population are, the better place the world can become. I want to do my part. I also really wanted to dress up like a pirate.

A letter to a guy on the Metro

To the guy who dropped his Gatorade on the red line platform:

     You were walking by me when you dropped your bottle of yellow Gatorade on the platform.  It splattered me some in the face. Since it was only Gatorade I guess I'm not that mad.  I was going to remark, however, that I believe that is why food and drink are prohibited on the Metro. But then, you dug through your duffel bag, pulled out a T-shirt, and dropped it on the ground. You proceeded to wipe up the spilled Gatorade with that T-shirt, using your foot of course, because clearly you're no fool. You probably already know this, but you're gonna have to throw that T-shirt away. I actually feel bad about that. You finished wiping it up and put the T-shirt back in your bag. Seriously, throw it away when you get home.  It's really gross. Then you picked up the bottle and broken cap and walked them back to the trash can. The trash can you had already walked past!  You backtracked!  I couldn't believe it. Then you continued on your way, presumably out to Chinatown, perhaps to Hooters.
     Well sir, color me impressed. Few citizens care enough to behave in the exlamplary manner you did. With more citizens like you, perhaps we can turn this city around.
     It did splash me in the face a little though.

Admirably Yours,
Nancy