It's Hot, Right?

     I mean, holy shit, it's hot out. And it's all we're talking about. And it's what I'm going to talk about.
     How do I cool this room down? Do I open a window and put a fan in it? Does that just pull more hot air in along with bugs and other potentially dangerous animals? Do I black out the windows and just lie perfectly still? What will relieve this heat? My roommate bought an air conditioner; I have never been more jealous of him. One, for the forethought, and two, for the means to purchase it. I have a fan that I accidentally stole from a friend while moving 5 years ago. Also, he has apparently cranked the AC so high that is actually cools down the foyer also. It's nice for the 10 seconds I'm standing in the foyer from stepping inside from the sweltering hallway. But then I make the trek down the hall into my room and it's like "POW, YOU CAN'T AFFORD COLD AIR, BITCH."
     Ugh. It's just hot. That's all I have to say about it. My wrists are resting on a blazing hot computer chassis, and it's making me uncomfortable. I mus remain perfectly still.
     Also, it's the humidity.

HEAT UPDATE: Oh My God. It's only the first day of summer and I'm melting. I have a pretty hard rule about not going out in public in shorts; I broke that rule today. I also wore flip-flops. And this fan fucking blows doesn't work.

Blame In On The Rain

     The guys who wrote and performed the song that Milli Vanili lip-synced had it right--we should blame it on the rain.  Everything that could possibly go wrong has one thing at its fault--the rain.  I had frightening dreams last night.  NPR is grating on me like nails across a chalk board.  I may be a little gassy.  It's all the rain's fault.
     I have a wonderful to-do list made out for the day, but all of the things that require going outside will get wet, and therefore are not being done well.  Sure, I need eggs and avocados, but I don't need wet eggs and avocados.
     Sometimes I appreciate a rainy day.  Sometimes it's a great day to stay in and read a book and watch a melancholy movie.  Other times it's just soggy.
    Also, this song is awful.  And the video is terrible.  It'll probably get stuck in your head.  You're welcome. Don't blame me though.

Wednesday Rain

     Yesterday I told Mary that it always rains on improv days.  We made a few jokes about turning that into a song.  But really, I can't remember a time when I've had improv class or rehearsal and it hasn't been raining.  Then on the news yesterday the weatherman confirmed that on six of the last eight Wednesdays, it has indeed been raining.  It really does always rain on improv days. 

Secure the Riggin

     I'm actually more concerned about being bored than I am the possibility of starving to death when the power goes out and I have zero food in my apartment.  Yesterday, I was calling bullshit on the storm.  I was still planning to made the trip up to NYC on Saturday.  I was "peshawing" on Irene.  It was all just panic; the storm would head back out to sea before it reached the Carolinas.
     Egg on my face.  I woke up this morning to news reports of Tropical Storm Warnings and evacuation orders.  The MTA is shutting down.  Amtrak already canceled their south-bound trains, surely the northern routes were next.  The weather report used the phrase "rapidly deteriorating."
     Then I started thinking about how prepared I actually was.  Turns out, I am zero percent prepared.  I might have a flashlight somewhere in my room.  The milk in my fridge is bad.  I don't have any other food in there, save for a bottle of champagne and some old beer.  In my cupboard I have a box of oatmeal and a bag of spaghetti.  That is all.
     I started thinking about the things that could be done with the limited supplies I had, and I quickly realized that all of those things would be moot if the power went out.  The power going out is a very real possibility.  Oh no.  The power.  I started thinking about all the things I needed to make sure were charged, like my phone and my computer.  And then, ugh, it sunk in.  If we lose power, there will be no internet.  No television.  No movies.  I'll be so bored.  This is terrible.
     I'd be happy to chew on dry spaghetti noddles and wash it down with scotch for two days, but how am I going to entertain myself?  Read?  For two days?  Come on!  Sure, perhaps I could finally make a dent in Infinite Jest or brush up on Theories of Aerodynamics.  But the entire time I'd be thinking about the dent I could be making in The Mary Tyler Moore Show or the new releases on Netflix Watch Instantly.  I haven't made it through my third viewing of season three of Parks&Rec yet.
     I can already imagine the spiral of depression this boredom will put me in, and I'll end up sleeping through the entire storm.  I'll be dehydrated and malnourished when it finally passes through.  Also, the windows in my apartment are probably the original windows from the 1800s when the building was built.  This should be of greater concern.  However, I've never been able to open them, so I'm assuming the hurricane won't be able to either.  Yes, I am saying that I am at least as strong as the hurricane.
     I've seen the videos from other hurricanes of people boarding up their windows.  It occurred to me for a second, but was immediately followed by the thought that 1. I rent and 2. I'm not doing that.  I'm still trying to stay on the cool, calm, and collected side of this whole hurricane preparedness ordeal.  A recent view of the tracker on the weather.com page finally made it sink on that no shit, Irene is on her way.  Stand fast.  Secure the Riggin. 

Reenacting Heat Stroke

     This weekend is the anniversary of the Battle of Manassas, more commonly known (by the winners) as The First Battle of Bull Run.  Every year, people reenact the battle.  They go the full nine, on the actual battle grounds, with the muskets and drummer boys and the uniforms.    
     The news this week has been all about the heat wave.  It's been brutal.  It makes me want to vomit.  The heat takes my breath away. 
     I watch the local news for entertainment and the weather, because I'm turning into an old man.  I hear the anchor say "You think being out in the heat is rough, what if you had to do it in a wool uniform?"  My curiosity was piqued for about a nanosecond until I saw they were talking about Civil War Reenactors.  Then I yelled at the TV "You don't HAVE to do that!"
     It is completely ridiculous.  There is no reason to get dressed up in authentic wool uniforms and reenact a bloody battle from a war that they ended up losing anyway.  They want me to feel sorry for them because they're doing this in the heat?  No.  Fuck that.  Go inside, assholes.  You're making fools of yourselves.  The organizers are trying to promote it saying they have cooling tents and water stations at various spots throughout the battle site.  Presumably just like they had during the Civil War.  That the south lost.  Ugh.  Ridiculous.
     They actually want people to watch.  Why would I do this?  If I really wanted to learn about the Battle of Bull Run, I'll pull out The People's History of the United States and read it inside my house, where I have my own cooling tents and unlimited supply of water.   
     "How are you dealing with this heat?" a reporter asks some jackass dressed like General Beauregard.  "I'm drinking plenty of h-two-o.  Lots of water."  Sage advice.  Or, you could just not do it.  You could sit in a room in the library and reenact it with pieces from Risk.
     The government has declared the last few days to be "Black Flag" days.  The weather reports come in red flashes with words like Extreme Heat Warning.  They caution about going outside at all.  It's dangerous for "all people" according to the local news.
      You're Civil War reenactors!  This is not a crucial element; we don't need this to happen.  Why are you doing it?  Some guy claimed it was the least he could do to honor those who also suffered through the heat but who also suffered through the battle.  No, that is not the least you could do.  The least you could do is sit inside and not die of heat stroke.  Someone else claimed it was nice to see history come alive.  The reporter interviewed a woman with a Bluetooth headpiece in her ear.  "I'm a 4th grade teacher, and I teach the Civil War as part of my ciric-lum."  Ah, yes.  That's nice.  Either you're coming to the reenactment because you don't know enough about the Civil War to teach it without seeing it happen in front of you, or you also brought along 25 - 30 4th graders to stand in the heat with you.  Either way, fantastic teaching. 
     I suppose if you want to stand out in heat stroke inducing heat and pretend to shoot at people, that's your business.  But don't you dare try to make me feel sorry for you.  It's your own damn dumb fault you're out there. 
     Clearly, this heat is making me crazy. 

Oppresive Weather

     The weather man is using the O word again.  It's gross.  I'm not really cut out for this.  It's so fucking hot, I started saying it was hote.  And then the news radio anchor man was telling us about how we shouldn't use our air conditioning because if we all use it, we'll use up all the power.  He was actually pretty reasonable about it, but initially I was upset about it.  He was going on about how we should conserve power as I was lying in my air conditioned bedroom.  I had the lights off though, so I think I made up for it.
     With the heat index, it's supposed to feel like 115 by Friday.  Why did I move to Venus?  I will be doing many indoor activities from now on.  Probably until about September.  Then I'll go outside for about a week, and then I'll stay in because it'll be too cold.  Ah. 
     It's so fucking hot.  It's hote. 

What I Really Hate About the Rain.

     The Umbrellas. 
     Generally, I think they're more trouble than they're worth.  And I think they are worth very little.  People often fail to account for the circumference added by the umbrella.  They think they can still walk side by side down the sidewalk.  They cannot.  I have oft been smacked in the face by an umbrella when a stranger does not do a courtesy see-if-anyone-is-right-next-to-me-glance before they whip open their umbrella.  They still push through crowds.  They don't realize that if each person has an umbrella, fewer people can take up the same amount of space.  Most of them behave like they're the only ones on the street; like they're Gene Kelly and we've all paid a quarter to see the show. 
     I also find the umbrella to be generally demoralizing.  There is a very specific type of rain in which an umbrella is useful- a steady drizzle with no wind.  In a really light drizzle, it's just more trouble than it's worth.  You're using up an entire hand to carry this thing just over your head, throwing off your balance.  You've given yourself a handicap, and for what?  Do you think you're special?  You can't get a drop of water you?  Are you a painting?  Or made of suede?  Save face and leave the umbrella at the door.  In a downpour, you're going to get soaked regardless.  The umbrella is futile.  It makes you look really really sad.  You stand in the rain, using the umbrella as a shield, until the wind changes direction and flips the umbrella inside out.  It wasn't doing that great of a job anyway, since the rain was probably falling sideways and you were probably splashed by a few cars on the way. 
     Umbrellas break.  A lot.  I see them on the streets all the time and it upsets me.  I suppose I can imagine it- a person walking along, fighting the elements, but the elements are just too much.  The rain hits the delicate frame of the umbrella too hard, the wind shifts, and the next thing you know your umbrella is in pieces.  It's completely worthless now.  The best thing to do is just drop it where you're standing and move on.  Who cares it there's a trash can 10 feet away.  The umbrella isn't good enough for the trash, it belongs in the street. 
     Also, storing them is kind of a pain.  When I was a kid my mother insisted we put our wet umbrellas in the bath tub.  This is fine until it rains for several days straight and we want to take baths.  When it wasn't raining they were fine hanging in the closet.  Some fancy homes have those umbrella holders.  Fine.  I guess I don't have a comment on that.  But then you take your umbrella from home to where you're going and then what?  I lost three umbrellas in as many days during our last string of storms because I kept leaving them places.  I put one in a restaurant's umbrella stand, never to see it again. 
     The only reason I carry an umbrella now is to avoid people asking me where I put my umbrella.  I put it up your ass, how about that?  I'd rather just put my hood up and give in to the rest of me getting as wet as I would have even with the umbrella but without the hand cramps.   I've never not gotten wet because I was carrying an umbrella.  If anything, it has created more unpleasant moments of wetness when I have to move my umbrella out of the way of a passer-by and get a stream of water down my sleeve or my back.  Or that moment when you're not quite sure if it's stopped raining so you move your umbrella out of the way to see and it hasn't quite.  So you move it back and the edges drop on your head.  Unpleasant.  Or unpleasantness in general when I open it inside and get screamed at by loony superstitious types.  Take it down a notch.  If I have to walk outside before I can open the umbrella, I'm going to get rained out, defeating the purpose of the umbrella. 
     Ugh.  Umbrellas just aren't worth it. 

A Hint of Summer

     Yesterday in the district it was 83 degrees.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  I had stopped to buy shoes on my way home and had to ditch my hoodie while in the store.  I was tempted to wear the new shoes home, but the salesman cautioned against it because if I wore them outside, I couldn't return them. 
     When I got home I immediately took off my stuffy work clothes and put on my weekender gear, including flip flops.  If there were ever a time to wear flip flops, now was it.  I cinched up the trash bag and went outside.  It was glorious.  I plopped the trash bag into the trash can and then just stood on the stoop for a while.  I partly wanted to go for a walk but I hadn't grabbed my keys to take the trash out so there would be extra steps.  Neighbors a few doors down had taken full advantage and had dinner and martinis on their little patio area.  A man walked by and handed me a take out menu.
     I went back inside and it was refreshing.  I had been outside just long enough to get warm and the house was still full of cool air.  It would have been the perfect day to open the windows except I still have plastic on the windows and because of all the work I did putting it up, I wasn't ready to give in and rip it down yet.  Plus, maybe it'll keep the cool air in during the summer.  Or create a greenhouse effect.  I want to wait and find out. 
     Since I had just purchased new shoes I made the sound financial decision to stay in for dinner.  I was a little bit jealous of the neighbors with the tiny patio area but I wasn't willing to try to eat my chicken and rice outside.  I just kept going in and out about every 20 minutes.  I'd stand on the stoop until someone walked by and then I'd walk back in.  I'd acclimate to the temperature inside, put a food item in the oven or on the stove, and then head back to the stoop. 
     I was embracing the oddly nice day but not quite participating in it.  I kept my flip flops on to help drive it home.  After the sun went down I stayed indoors.  All night the news reports said "It was unusually warm today, but don't get used to it."  Ok weatherman, I won't get used to unusual weather.  Whatever.  It's kind of obvious that it's not going to keep being 83 degrees, but they have to set it up somehow.
     This morning when I woke up it was 42, it was raining a whole bunch, a lot of people were without power, and the low tomorrow is 31.  I'm glad I wore my flip flops while I could.

Ice is Nice

     As news of the looming winter storms came in, and OPM warnings started trickling in my inbox, my hopes were reaching fever pitch.   Snow, ice, and sleet were all in the forecast, and it was made clear it was coming at a rate so fierce, we were not going to be able to handle it.  It would be safest for everyone to stay inside.   Chances were most people would be losing power, and subsequently their minds.
     I couldn't be more excited.  I had smartly gone grocery shopping the day before- early enough the panic hadn't set in, and I was sure to get foods in jars, and some booze.  Also rice.  Rice and wine can get you through any snow storm. 
     I was ready with a lot of movies to watch so that if I didn't lose my power, I'd have the day set. (The last three instances of district wide power outages, I was not affected.  Maybe my landlord has a generator.)  I also had a few books ready to read, and of course, my best pajama and blanket set.  Nothing like a good ice storm to catch up on zzz with a 10 hour nap.
     This went on for two days.  Two days worth of news warning of eminent doom- shards of ice falling from the sky, snow piling up as high as buildings, temperatures so low large bodies of water would freeze.  Stay inside!  Die peacefully in your home under blankets!  Don't risk the elements!
     I woke up to find none if it was true.  I peered out my window with the hopes of seeing everything covered in ice and snow, kind of like The Day After Tomorrow or the Fortress of Solitude.  I was so disappointed, kind of like when watching The Day After Tomorrow.  And what's worse, the high today is fifty-five degrees.  Come on weather, when you promise an ice storm, don't deliver a balmy spring day.  Get it straight.  You've taken away my dream of another snow day. 
 

Things I Take Advantage Of

     Mostly, how snow affects people here in the district.  It snowed last night.  And by that I mean a few flakes fell on the ground.  I couldn't actually tell by looking out the window, but the folks on the radio said that's what happened.  And then they listed schools that were opening two hours late.
     I like to take this to mean that I'm allowed to split the difference between getting to work on time and getting there two hours late.  In reality, there is no reason I can't actually make it on time.  When judged against the standards I'm used to- Michigan winter standards, the weather looked like a warm Spring day.  Yes, there were a few flakes.  And yes, it was at that awkward temperature where everything is slushy.  So you wear a coat, and you put some gloves and maybe a hat on, but it's not really cold.  Yep, it's gross out.  That is what a warm Michigan spring day is. 
     But far be it from me to take the storm crisis mode too lightly.  If folks in this area think we need to be on alert, and therefore stay inside and not go to work, then who am I to argue?

Snow Day

     We had half a snow day yesterday.  The snow had started a bit earlier than forecasted, and maybe there was a little bit more than predicted.  Maybe.  It was not a lot of snow, but people were concerned about the roads, because they were not properly treated.  It's always about the roads.
     Since I take public transportation, and I'm not afraid of snow,  I didn't really need to take advantage of the snow day.  However, since they don't pass out medals for being the only one sitting in the office, I took it.
     I figured today would be just like any other, but I did hold on to a glimmer of hope that perhaps the city just couldn't handle the snow.  I lay in bed and listened to the radio, foolishly hoping it got much much worse outside over night.  It didn't.
     It feels as though this snow day was simply to commemorate the first snow of the season.   I have no real problem with that.

Holy Crap, It's December

     I'm not a person who normally comments on the passing of time.  I abhor conversations about Daylight Savings Time and those that being with "Where has the time gone?"  I know where the time went- it went to the past.  My surprise at the coming of December is less about acknowledging the passing of time, and more about acclimating to my current climate.
     I'm not sure if this weather is typical, but I feel as though any sort of normality as far as weather patterns are concerned have been tossed out the window ever since we started recognizing global warming.  I've lived in various parts of the United States, and usually have a pretty easy time acclimating to the region.  Yet this time around, it's thrown me for a loop.  I've even lived in this climate before, yet somehow it was easier to adjust to before.  Also, to be clear, I do understand the difference between weather and climate.  A decent part of my consternation comes from the unpredictability of the weather juxtaposed to the climate. 
     It's December, so it should probably be cold.  Except I live in that pesky subtropical-humid region, so perhaps it won't be cold.  However, it could be, because it just might; there's almost no way to tell.  There probably won't be snow, except there was tons of it last year.  So there could be a lot this year.  Maybe giant snow storms take a year off.  I have no idea. 
     I miss the predictability of the pre-global warming subarctic climate of my youth.  It was December, it was Michigan, it was cold.  To further prove my point, I just received an e-note from my mother stating that it was snowing and there were several traffic accidents.  She blamed it on being December 1st.
     I'm not sure what it is this time around that has got me all in a tizzy about the weather.  It was monsoon season this morning; something I am not used to.  The wind was haling and the rain was pouring down.  In my head I thought "wind, rain, December.  I better put on a hat."  That hat was not needed.  It was still about 65 degrees outside and I was quite overdressed.  A boring weather conversation with a coworker revealed the fact that it was predicted to be 28 degrees tonight.  Where the hell do I live?  Venus?
     And another thing about December- there should be more Christmas spirit.  Full disclosure: I don't actually celebrate Christmas, but I like that others do.  Other than the brief Christmas Music listening stint, I have very little spirit.  I think if it were colder, I would have more.  Even though I am fully aware of the calendar, it still feels too soon.  Maybe by December 6th I can catch some.