Against My Better Judgement: A List

     A list of things I'm doing today, against my better judgement:

• Walking through the rain to get lunch
• Having a burrito for lunch
• Not wearing rain boots
• Stealing umbrellas from work
• Writing long freaked out emails to friends
• Eating left over birthday cake for dinner
• Skipping the gym
• Being outside, in the rain

Something New

     Finally, I've started working on a new project.  It's amazing how good a new project can make you feel.  It pulls me immediately out of whatever slump I had fallen into.  I start imaging the characters and I start spending a little bit of time with them.  I think about them all the time; I take the train with them and have conversations with them.  I invite them to the ball game and their enjoyment of said game tells me a lot about them.
     Often the characters are a version of myself.  As part of the character profile to get this project off the ground, my new writing partner and I decided to list out all of the things that make us awkward, or just the awkward things we do.  So, here's a start to that list:

• Finish most transactions by saying "unless you don't think I should."
• Leave sunglasses on head while at work.
• Trip over anything.
• Knock things off tables with backpack.
• Insist on carrying backpack everywhere.
• Announce when going to the bathroom.
• Hold the door for people who are actually pretty far away.
• Answer non-yes-or-no questions with "yes?"
• Throw silverware on the plate and shout "I win" when finished with meal.
• Over explain things to wait staff.
• Spill every thing.
• Don't notice when others stop talking.
• Wave at people who look familiar on the street.
• Barter for goods and services.
• Talk to yourself in public restrooms.
• Dance in the elevator.
• Push the alarm button in the elevator with backpack, then look around like "who's doing that?"
• Fall.  A lot.
• Answer the phone in unconventional ways.
• Pull the tablecloth off the table when leaving for the restroom.
• Splash water all over self when washing hands.
• Tuck pant leg into socks.
• Open an umbrella while in the doorway.  Get stuck.  
• Go around a revolving door more than it requires.
• Double up in a revolving door.

 This is by no means an exhaustive list.  I live my life in this awkward shell.  Even close friends are sometimes amazed by how I can continue to be this awkward and not fall into a crevasse. 
     I'm looking forward to this new project and all the ups and downs it will surely provide.  I'll laugh, I'll cry, I'll give it a soundtrack.

Personal Plan of Actions and Milestones & LA! LA! LA!

     Today I started working on a personal plan of actions and milestones, also known as a POA&M.  POA&M (also written POAM when we're too lazy to add the ampersand) is pronounced po-am.  It's a fancy term for a list of shit that has to get done and dates you need them done by.
     I remember the first time someone explained to me what a POAM was.  A task was at hand; it was a fairly large task that needed to be broken down into parts.  I was told to write a POAM.

     "Do you know what a POAM is?"
     "No."
     "A plan of actions and milestones."
     "-"
     "You know what actions are, right?"
     "Yes, of course I know what actions are."
     "And you know what milestones are?"
     "A douchey word for goals."
     "So a plan of actions and milestones lays out all of your actions, or tasks, and your milestones, or goals, and assigns dates to them, so you can track your progress."
     "You mean it's a to-do list, with a douchey name."
     "A POAM is not douchey."

A POAM is actually quite douchey.   It's just a to-do list, usually with dates on it.  I suppose the dates are what pushes it over the edge from just a to-do list to a POAM.  There must be another term for it, but it has been so ingrained in me now I refer to a lot of my to-do lists this way.  I'm not saying it to be douchey though, I'm just saying it because now, it's what I'm most familiar with.  I want to make some changes in my life, I want to set up some goals and deadlines for myself, so I'm going to put them in a POAM.
     Also, as a side note, those who really take these things seriously will actually say P O A and M, every time they talk about it.  Recently I was assigned a very simple task and given a vague due date.  I was then told to come up with a "P. O. A. and M." for it.  The confused look on my face prompted the person making the request to assume I didn't know what a POAM was.  A similar conversation to the one above ensued, though if you can imagine it, it was even douchier.   It may have included the history of POAMs and graphical representation of milestones.  Rest assured, the confused look was because you don't need a POAM with two items on it.
     Anyway, that not withstanding, I am in the process of writing my own POAM for those aforementioned reasons of changing my life.  For me, a POAM will prevent chaos and stave off living in a box for a few months.  I appreciate that about them.  Plus, I'll probably get to make it into some sort of PowerPoint presentation with triangles and diamonds and stars and timelines.  That sounds awesome, doesn't it?  And by presentation I mean I'll hang it on my wall with tape.

      Part II:  Zero days to LA!  Woo!  I'm counting down the hours until I'm in the sky flying towards the land of angels.   LA! LA! LA!  I hope the Beach Boys were right with all the wonderful things they say about California.  (I've actually been to California before.  A decent amount.  I don't know why I'm acting as though I've never left this cubicle.)

     One more non sequitur:  since it's a holiday, there  will be no new Oliver on Monday, so there's something else I need to say before I go on vacation.  When you take charge of something, say, a group of people or a meeting, what are you doing?  Leading.  You are a leader.  Currently, you lead.  What if you did it yesterday?  What is the past tense of lead?  Led.  L-E-D.  Led.  Yesterday, you led the meeting.
     What is a main-group element with the symbol Pb and atomic number 82?  What is a soft, malleable poor metal?  Lead.  Lead, the element, and led, the action, are different.  If you have graduated high school and now hold a high-paying government position where you lead meetings and write emails about them, you should know the difference.  I have now lost all confidence in you over one small typo.  Powerful, huh?

I Heart Weekends: A List

    Weekends are awesome.  A year ago, I didn't think so, but now I do.  In no particular order, a list of what makes my weekends awesome:

• sleeping in
• staying up late
• reading
• watching MegaMind again
• watching Cheers
• comedy shows
• weird cab rides
• beer
• Improv showcase
• naps
• long showers
• bacon
• coffee
• Reese's Pieces
• Honey Nut Cheerios
• Pizza
• screening phone calls
• calling my mom back, drunk
• BluRay
• watching Ricky Gervais HBO special
• making new friends
• opening windows

 Also, countdown to LA: 4 days. 

Bothered: A List.

     This is a tricky list, and in fact, I think two lists are necessary to fully contextualize is.  There are certain things I'm bothered by, and then other things that I just don't understand how others can be so bothered by.  The impetus of this dichotomy may be the same force behind the hypocritical list.   I'm not a doctor, and I'm not going to analyze it.  These things are in no particular order.  I'm just putting it out there.  

 

I really don’t get what is bothersome about:

I am really bothered by:

•    The Bossypants cover. •    When Will Forte dresses up like Jenna Maroney on 30 Rock. •    Anything gay, including but not limited to marriage, adoption, and equal rights. •    Chaz Bono. •    Burial at Sea. •    Military code names.  •    National / State secrets. •    Most of the things my mother is bothered by. •    The Hot Chicks Room sign.  •    The prevalence of Chipotle. •    Hispters.

•    The way the seats are oriented on the Metro. •    Subpar sitcoms and their long seasons. •    My mother.  •    Broken escalators. •    TMZ, and any subsequent TMZ spin-offs. •    Claims the past was “better.” •    My creepy neighbor.   •    The prevalence of Potbelly Sandwiches. •    The 4th hour of the Today show.   •    Using “common usage” as an excuse for ignorance.   •    Talking about religion at work, specifically using the phrase “Christian name” when you mean proper- or full-name.

 This isn't really an all inclusive list, and as I started making it I realized I am bothered by a lot more things than I'd like to admit.  I'd like to believe that they are just, reasonable things, but I'm sure I can find enough people  who are not bothered by them at all, and in fact, just the opposite.  The same goes for the things I'm not bothered by side of the list.  Some of these people may even be in my immediate family.  Also, I thought that side of the list would be longer.   

My Hypocritical List.

    Truth is, as hard as I try not to be, I'm a hypocrite.  Of all my character flaws, of which there are many, this is one I really try to fight.  When I pontificate about being a better person, I generally start with trying to not be hypocritical.  But it's a tough standard to keep up and when faced with the dilemma between the principle and the behavior, I tend to just lean into the behavior and compromise my principles. 
     The hypocritical list:

• I hate talking about the weather, but I usually end up talking about the weather all the time.
• People shouldn't stand in front of the doors on the Metro, except  I can do it because I understand how to do it right.
• Reading is fundamental, but I don't read as much as I say I should.
• Tardiness is unacceptable, unless I'm late and then there was probably a good excuse. 
• People should clean up after themselves, unless I forget to wash a dish or don't want to pick up.
• Going to the grocery store in pajamas is weird, except for when I always wear my pajamas to go grocery shopping.
• I hate the phrase "to tell the truth," but to be honest, I use it all the time.
• I hate when people pepper their speech with the word like, except I do it, like, at least once a day.
• It drives me nuts when people talk in questions, but I do it when trying to make a joke.  "Did you remember to mail your rent?  Yes?"
• Your rent should never be late, except when I mail the rent late because stamps are difficult to come by.
• I bitch about the intrusiveness of Facebook, but not only do I not delete my profile, I leave my pictures up and update my status if I had a great meal.
• I argue that brevity is the key to conversation, yet I send three page emails.
• My mother's super short emails drive me nuts, but if I got a three page email from my mother, I would lose my shit.
• I insist I can't afford new clothes, but I just bought a new TV, a few DVD collections, and improv classes, all while spending every weekend in New York City. 
• I complain about the prevalence of fast food, but I still pay $8 for a burrito about twice a week.  
• Corporations are ruining the country, except for the ones I go to because local businesses in cities I'm not familiar with scare me.
• I hate when people complain about everything, except ugh, isn't everything just the worst?  Gross.  
• I don't like spicy things but I insist on coating my buffalo wings in as much sauce as possible and then bitching about how I hate spicy things.  
• I like my coffee black; I'm not picky unless you're making my coffee in which case just move out of the way and let me do it because it'll never be right.
• I'm not a picky eater except that I don't like condiments or fancy things or Mediterranean food or Indian food or Greek food all that much and only some Thai food.  Also, I like anything on my pizza, except pepperoni.  Or pineapple.  And light on the onions.  And no basil or basil-based products or white sauce.  

That's not really an exhaustive list either.  Apparently I am a huge hypocrite.  I try to keep it under check for the really big things.  For example, I don't throw buckets of paint at people wearing furs and leather coats while I enjoy my giant bloody steak.  But the small ones creep in.  Perhaps it's because sometimes life gets too daunting and going to the trouble of putting on clothes to go to the grocery store and reading entire books seems like too much.  To tell the truth, I like, don't really know.   I sure as hell can't afford to pay someone to tell me either. 

Anxiety and Me: A List and A Story

anx·i·e·ty  (ng-z-t)n. pl. anx·i·e·ties

1.

    a. A state of uneasiness and apprehension, as about future uncertainties.

    b. A cause of anxiety: For some people, air travel is a real anxiety.

2. Eager, often agitated desire: my anxiety to make a good impression.

 

I try to contain it, but sometimes I have a lot of anxiety.  A few things that cause me anxiety are:

• being late
• being late especially when I can't do anything about it
• purchasing airline tickets
• deadlines
• relationship discord
• meeting heroes
• grocery shopping
• mostly any kind of shopping
• crowds
• crowds on public transportation
• the wait before a concert or other big event
•  waking up in Philadelphia at 3:30 in the morning when you think you should be in DC at 5:45

This last one caught me by surprise, which I'm pretty sure, based on the definition, is an inherent part of anxiety.
      You know how when you sleep on a bus you wake up every once in a while, look around, don't know where you are or how long you've been asleep, and then go back to sleep?  I was in that state of mind.  I opened my eyes and looked around.  It didn't look familiar at first, but it's possible I hadn't paid attention to the particular stretch we were on in the past.  It became obvious we were exiting a highway.  I didn't know what time it was at all.  And I may not be all that worldly, but I know what Philadelphia looks like, and that's what I saw.  It was dark and I saw Liberty Place One and Liberty Place Two sticking up into the skyline, and the PSFS building and the one with Ben Franklin on top.  "Aww, that's pretty.  I like Philadelphia.  Wait.  Why are we IN Philadelphia?"  Again, I'm not a geographical genius, but I knew we traveled near Philly yet had never been close enough to see the skyline.  And then we were getting off the highway and just driving through it.  I finally saw a giant-ass clock that read 3:30 am. 
     I stayed calm, trying to gage if anyone else was freaking out.  Nobody else seemed to be. I started going through worst case scenarios and contingency plans for getting to DC if for whatever reason this was our last stop.  The bus stopped, a few people got off, and then we kept going.  Oh.  Ok.  Back to sleep then.
     Apparently what happened is that since it I was on the last bus of the night from NYC they combined the Philly and DC buses.  From a business standpoint, it makes sense.  They may or may not have mentioned this before we left- I climbed on the bus and promptly nestled in with my iPod and drifted off to sleep.
      Since making it home safely and continuing the rest of my day, I've been laughing about this all day.  I feel as though the anxiety of waking up in a different city is justified.  Philadelphia is lovely though, and it was not crowded at 3:30 in the morning, so the anxiety was manageable.

Write What You Know: A List.

According to Mary, you should write what you know.  As a side note, whenever someone says the phrase "what you know" I hear Tom Cruise yelling "Don't tell me what I know and what I don't know.  I know the law."   Of course, I don't know the law, so it doesn't apply to me.  I would probably never write about the law.
What I could write about:

• the Navy
• being a sister
• having a sister
• having a brother
• pets
• parents
• parent's death
• old people
• babies
• young people
• nuclear power
• rocket science
• space
• school
• desperation
• dreams
• hopes
• small apartments
• large bedrooms
• rats
• bicycles
• ladders
• swimming
• gardening
• tractors
• tire swings
• softball
• anxiety
• drinking 
• sleepless nights
• alarm clocks
• breaking and entering
• house fires
• road trips
• hunting
• weapons
• computers
• moving vans
• diabetes
• cancer
• G Chat
• generosity
• deadlines
• food service
• coffee
• defense contracting
• appeasing others
• mothers
• motherfuckers
• douchebags 
• Canada
• the Midwest
• the Northeast
• the Northwest
• guitars
• disappointment
• horror
• disgust
• technical reports
• television
• 30 Rock
• the evolution of female characters in media
• comedy films
• heart break
• bulletized lists

That's just to name a few, and that was just off the top of my head.  And I have clearly taken Mary's point and flipped it on its head.  The sentiment of writing what you know is incredibly valid, and the problem with the sentiment is too many people take it at its face value.  That's how we end up with so many stories about struggling writers.  I think it's why Architect is such a popular occupation for a protagonist.  It walks the right line of being vague and specific.  The protagonist does something but it could be anything.
     Anyway, I digress.  Mary's right.  Write what you know.  Also, if you want to write about something and you don't know a lot about it, find out.  It's called research.  If you want to set your story in Houston but you don't know a lot about it, find out; read a book, check out the internet.  Then you'll know.  Then you can write about it.

Playlists Are Important

     For some reason there is a negative connotation associated with that guy who makes a playlist for everything.  A mixed tape, a mixed CD, a playlist- each generation has their thing and there is always that person who thinks it's cool to make it.  I am that guy.
     I'm lucky enough to have friends who support this habit, and when I give them a CD or a playlist, they accept it with genuine enthusiasm.  Five years ago when I lived in South Carolina, I made a two disc set titled "Low Country Mix" for a friend.  She still listens to it.  I'm that good at making mixes.
     There is an art to it.  I generally subscribe to the High Fidelity rules of mix tape/CD/playlist making.  (There is also a Wiki-how page with similar rules.)  I don't just throw ten songs I like on a mix and hit go.  I think about it, I mull it over, I listen and relisten.  I'm making the mix for a reason- maybe for a person's birthday, a long car trip, or a holiday/vacation event.  I think about themes and rhythms.  And most importantly, I think about the order of the songs.
     The order is important.  The order is what takes you on the journey.  If it's correct, you hardly notice it.  The songs flow seamlessly from one to another, carrying you along from your dirt road out of town to the lights of the big city.  When it's wrong, it's jarring.  When one song fades out and then BOOM, the slamming drums of another begin, you're out of the moment.  You're thinking about the order, and probably about how stupid the person is who made the mix. 
     All of this is to bring up the worst thing that happened yesterday.  I was attempting to make a mix for my impending Presidents Day Weekend Extravaganza.  The girls are getting back together for a three day weekend of drinks, comedy, opera, chili, and more drinks.  Those are also essentially the themes for the weekend.  So I went to GrooveShark, typically a wonderful music streaming site that allows the creation and sharing of playlists.  I went after all the songs with the aforementioned themes and went to work.  It was shaping up nicely- it was about as long as the plane ride to Boston would be, so perfect.  Then, a combination of user errors, outdated web browsers, and bad luck caused the most terrible thing to happen to playlists.  I could not rearrange the order of the songs.  I almost cried.  I considered smashing the computer.  I was defeated. 
     So the next step is to just make the playlist on yee old iTunes and enjoy it whilst we sit around the fireplace eating chili and talking about Great Books. 

Watch Instantly Sunday: A Review

     As I mentioned yesterday, I spend the brunt of the weekend being a recluse.  This is actually one of my favorite activities.  I filled my time with television, movies, and books.  Well, book.  And now, to review.  (I didn't watch anything new, so I'm not going to use spoiler tags.  I believe all of these things are passed the spoiler  statute of limitations.)

Donnie Darko: The Director's Cut.  I love this movie.  It comes in at number four when I'm listing my  four favorite movies.  I like how when it ends you just kind of sit there and go "whaaa?"  It's one of the few films that is over two hours long that I will watch multiple times.  Also, I've never seen the original, theatrical version.  At this point, I don't see how it could be better than this version.  It turns out, the movie is about time travel and saving the universe.  Or about creating a tangential universe and then fixing it, somehow.  It also has a pretty awesome soundtrack.  Admittedly, it's not for everyone.  It's about ten years old by now, and it had been a few years since I had seen it last.  There were a few bits I had forgotten about entirely, like the paths streaming from the chests.  That part seems weird to me, but it's very brief, and it fits in, so it's ok.  There's something that I love about watching the movie, and even rewatching it, not being really sure of what's going on precisely, but still wanting to see what happens.  And then in the end the jet engine falls again, and time was reset and you go "oh.  Wait.  What?  Oh.  Ok."  And then you're left to sit on your couch for a few minutes.

Wishful Drinking.  A book by Carrie Fisher.  The title and cover art are intriguing enough to make you pick it up, and when you do and flip through it, you can figure it should only take a few hours to get through.  It's not a heavy read.  And if it weren't for the fact that she's Carrie effing Fisher, so, incredibly famous already, her style and tone would be insufferable.  Since she is Carrie effing Fisher, her tone makes complete sense,  and, she states, it's basically the written out version of her one woman show.  Oh but to be famous and screwed up enough to get one of those.  It was a fun, easy read.  I suppose if you didn't know anything about her at all, you might find it surprising.  But if you didn't know anything about her at all, you probably wouldn't have noticed the book in the first place. 

Meet The Press.  I don't usually watch this show, because Sunday mornings are reserved for catching up on the week's programming or going to the farmer's market.  But I was especially compelled this particular Sunday, and I actually think the round table discussion was a good one.  There was no yelling.  The yelling is normally what turns me off of shows that feature round table discussions, or present the opportunity for many people to speak at once.  I can't listen to that.  And it's not that I assumed this show was like that.  It's just that it had never occurred to me before to watch it.  I thought it was something you started watching when you turned 65 and really started caring about social security and couldn't understand the jokes on SNL anyway.  Turns out, you can just watch it when you're a little weirded out by what just happened in the country.

Prelude To A Kiss.    I didn't watch the whole thing.  It came on after Joe Versus The Volcano.  I only saw the last 15 minutes of that.  That movie, I love.  I like to say "you didn't get a second opinion?" a lot, though most people can't connect that to the line in the end of the movie.  So I was pulled in to the Meg Ryan glow when Prelude To A Kiss began.  I remember not liking the film the first time I saw it.  Then I was taken aback by how old the movie was (almost 20 years), and how young Alec Baldwin was.  (That's a weird thing to say.  It was 20 years ago, so he was 20 years younger.  Anyway.)  I wasn't as bothered by it this time.  I started getting drawn in by the deliberate dialogue.  Something in my filmmaking brain was intrigued by their words and the passage of time.  Also, I really enjoyed the scene where he meets her parents this time- I don't remember it being anything spectacular the first time I saw it.  But it was on TV, and I do not like watching movies with commercials in it.  It takes me out of it too much.  I actually forget what I'm watching.  I flipped over to Dances With Wolves briefly.  I was struck by the fact that Mary McDonnell is in Dances With Wolves with Graham Greene, and that in Donnie Darko, the class is reading The Destroyers, written by a different Graham Greene.  At the emergency PTA meeting, Mary McDonnell's character, Rose Darko, asks the gym teacher "do you even know who Graham Greene is?"  "I think we've all seen 'Bananza.'" the gym teacher replies.  Sure, it's not ha-ha rofl funny, but there's something to it, I think.  Mary McDonnell knows damn well who both Graham Greenes are.  But anyway, Prelude To A Kiss is only ok.  It loses something near the middle, which is where I turned it off, after realizing I was still watching it.

Upon turning it off, I retreated to by bedroom and turned to my favorite invention of the year in which it was invented: Netflix Watch Instantly.

I'll continue the review of the recluse weekend tomorrow.

Christmas Songs: A List

One of the things I like about Christmas is the music.  But not all of the music.  Some of the music is awful, and then combine it with hearing it over and over, it's bloody-ear inducingly horrible.  Wikipedia provided a list of traditional Christmas songs, and popular Christmas songs.  I provide that list with my opinion of each song.

• Angels We Have Heard on High - I like the middle part.  "Gloooooooooria." 
• Away in a Manger - Too little substance.  I hate the line "I love you Lord Jesus."  You just met the kid, how can you love him already?
• Bring a Torch, Jeanette, Isabella - Uuuuuuh.  I don't think this is real.
• Coventry Carol - Or this one.
• Deck the Halls - Fun and merriment, with two syllables!
• Ding Dong Merrily on High - Nope.
• The First Noël - The meter is off, so that's irritating, and it's pretty repetitive.   I will allow for one to two listens.
• Gabriel's Message - Fake.
• Go Tell It on the Mountain - Jewel does a fun rendition of this song.  I like it.
• God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen - Fun to sing along to.  The Barenaked Ladies with Sarah McLachlan have an awesome version of this.  I'll listen to it at any time of the year.
• Good King Wenceslas - Only good in Love Actually when Hugh Grant's character sings it to the little girl at the door and his butler/attendant person comes in with the bass.
• Hark! The Herald Angels Sing - I do like it.  I like saying "Hark!" 
• Here We Come A-Wassailing - American's shouldn't say things like A-Wassailing.  This is probably a Canadian song.  I don't like it. 
• The Holly and the Ivy - Made up.
• I Saw Three Ships - The Barenaked Ladies version is great.  Otherwise, I miss the point of it.  I don't read the Bible, but I don't think there were ships.  I think there were shepherds, and they walked.  Perhaps this is an alternate telling, about a different Jesus.  I don't really follow any of it.  Perhaps I should listen to the words more closely. 
• I Wonder as I Wander - Blech.  Me thinks you should pay attention while you wander, so you don't get lost. 
• In Dulci Jubilo - They're making this up, right?
• In the Bleak Midwinter - Probably depressing, but I've never heard it.
• It Came upon the Midnight Clear - Not awful.
• Joy to the World - This one is fun to sing with lots of people.  I approve.
• Lo, How a Rose E'er Blooming - No.
• O Come All Ye Faithful - Yes, I like this one.  I think we sang it when I was a kid.  I have fond memories of it. 
• O Come, O Come, Emmanuel - I probably get this one mixed up with the other O Come song.  You just need one.  Stay where you are, Emmanuel. 
• O Holy Night - It's a nice melody, a pretty decent tune.  A little slow though.  It's not going on a holiday mix for parties, that's for sure. 
• O Little Town of Bethlehem - Too slow.  But I can remember the words, and they're not awful words, so it's ok. 
• Once in Royal David's City - Canadian.  It must be. 
• Silent Night - I used to love it, and now I think it's only ok.  It is nice when sung by a choir with the "peace, peace" chorus under it.
• Sussex Carol - Huh?
• The Twelve Days of Christmas - I love it when I don't have to listen to all twelve verses.  The John Denver and the Muppets version is the B-Est version of this song. 
• We Three Kings of Orient Are - Don't end a sentence in a preposition, son, at.
• We Wish You a Merry Christmas - Whereas it is incredibly repetitive, it's also easy to remember when you've had too much nog, and short enough to get over.
• Wexford Carol - It this related to Sussex Carol?
• What Child Is This - I think you know what child that is.  Sheesh.
• While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks - Nope.  Probably not really about Christmas.

• The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire) – I like the song, but I think by now, we can stop using the parentheticals in the title.  If you don't know it's called "The Christmas Song" then you don't get to sing it. 
• Santa Claus Is Coming to Town – and he's a stalker.  It's creepy. 
• Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas – Yes.  It's sweet.  I like it.
• Winter Wonderland– As a kid who grew up with wintery Christmases, I like this song.
• White Christmas – For the same reason I like Winter Wonderland.  Maybe I think they're the same song.  
• Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! – I concur, please let it snow. 
• Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer – I'm over this song.  But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?  Yes, of course! Because he's the most famous.  It's the other eight shit-for-brains reindeer we don't remember. 
• Jingle Bell Rock – It's fun and jaunty, and I love to sing along.  Woo!
• I'll Be Home for Christmas – It starts off sweet, but then it turns out he probably won't be home.  If only in his dreams.  Well, eff you buddy, keep that part to yourself!
• The Little Drummer Boy – I used to love this one, but the more it's on, the more I'm bothered by the drums. 
• Sleigh Ride – Yep.  I would go on a Sleigh Ride with these people. 
• It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year – Jingle-belling? Mistle-Toeing?  No.
• Silver Bells – Too slow for me. 
• Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree – I love this one if for no other reason that the awesome scene in Home Alone. 
• Feliz Navidad – In spanish, or not in spanish, but not both.  It's insulting.   
• Blue Christmas – De-Press-Ing.  
• Frosty the Snowman – The Frost story just doesn't work for me.
• A Holly Jolly Christmas – I think a cup of cheer is probably rum or brandy, and I can support that.   
• I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – So first the kid thinks his mommy is a whore, then he finds out it's just that his underdeveloped mind was too dumb to realize Santa was fake.  A Merry Christmas indeed. 
• Here Comes Santa Claus (Right Down Santa Claus Lane) – I don't think there is a Santa Claus Lane.  And I really really hate how they mix God and Santa in this one.  Gifts for all God's Children?  No.  Wrong.  Santa was not present at the birth of Jesus.  It's like saying Captain Spok was on the Death Star. 
• It's Beginning To Look a Lot Like Christmas – Maybe in 1932.
• (There's No Place Like) Home for the Holidays – Because home is awful, and at the holidays, the awful is magnified?  Sure.  But otherwise, I'd rather be anywhere else than home for the holidays. 
• Carol of the Bells – Yes, my favorite Christmas song of all time.  Sung by a choir, it is awesome.  Home Alone did a great version of this song.
• Santa Baby – Seriously?  I could really do without this song. 
• Wonderful Christmastime – I get that Paul McCartney is a genius, but I don't care for this song.  Christmastime?  As one word?  I don't get it. 

A few were left out from Wikipedia, presumably because they weren't popular enough.  I love "Baby, It's Cold Outside" even though it's not strictly Christmas.  Of course the one performed by Zooey Deschanel in Elf is great, but also, the band Over The Rhine knocks it out of the park.  Also, I want to mention "All I Want for Christmas Is You" by Vince Vance and the Valiants.  It is not the song by Mariah Carey.  Check it out.  A much better version of that Mariah Carey song is performed by Olivia Olson, from the Love Actually soundtrack.  And I love the Home Alone soundtrack as a whole.  That is a great collection of holiday music.

Simple Tasks Made Difficult

     In an effort to control the wild temperature variations in my apartment, I decided to look into some good old fashioned window insulation.  You know- the plastic film that you use a blow dryer on to create some sort of hermetic seal.   I did a little research and figured it would be a good, easy, cheap solution.
     Six hours later I had wrinkled plastic covering half my windows.  The package made it look so simple, but the universe made it so difficult.
     Error #1:  My math skills.  I measured my windows and they are each 6 feet high.  A few of them are 3 feet wide, a few of them are narrower.  There are 5 windows total.  According to the box, each plastic sheet was 62" by 34".  Apparently I didn't know the difference between 62" and 72".  Yes, as you can see, a 62" plastic sheet is not long enough to cover a 6' window.  Luckily, I had gotten the box for 9 windows, so I would have extra.  This is possibly to only thing I did right.
     In order to fix this problem, I "pieced" the plastic together, using half on the top, putting more tape down, and then doing the bottom half.  It worked better in theory than in execution.
     Error #2:  Bookcases in front of the windows.  The windows in the living room are shaped like those in a bay window, but with no bay-window seat.  In front of the two narrower windows are book cases approximately 3 feet tall packed full of books.  Very heavy books.  I've tried to move these book cases before and it can't really be done.  You have to take all of the books off and then move the book cases.  It takes a long time.  I decided instead to work around the bookcases.  This was painful.
     Error #3:  The sun goes down at 3pm.  Well, it's actually around 5, and starts getting dark around 4:30.  I really wanted to have all of this done before sun set so I didn't have to deal with finding plugs for lamps and hair dryers.  I failed.
     Error #4:  Cords on hairdryers are not 7 feet long.  It had not occurred to me until the moment I was standing at the window, hair dryer in hand, not even close to the top of the window.  Of course hair dryers don't have cords that are 7 feet long!  Why would they?  Well, for this.  Clearly I needed an extension cord, but that was easier said than done.  I'm pretty sure all my true extension cords were in storage.  I had surge protectors in my room that would have to suffice.  This involved unplugging my clocks and lamps, and disheveling my bed to get to it.
     Error #5: Tape is sticky, and I'm impatient.  The instructions state to wait 15 minutes after you apply the tape to put up the plastic.  Well, that's fine the first time around, but eventually, the sun starts going down and muscles start to hurt, so you just put tape up and apply plastic. And then, of course, the  tape doesn't stick.  Except that it sticks to you, and to the plastic, but not the wall, where it needs to be.  You end up with a ball of tape and plastic at the corner of the window and you hope you just melt the plastic to the window to create a seal.  (This does not work.)
     Error #6:  Two hands are better than one, four hands are better than two.  There's a decent amount of trial and error involved when figuring out just how to stick the plastic to the tape and then smooth it out and stick it to the other sides of the tape.  I imagine that if I were doing this with someone else, we would have attached, pulled down, and reattached the first one using a healthy amount of respectful debate.  Instead, if it stuck, it stayed.  Hence all the wrinkles.
     Error #7:  I have no step stool, nor am I 7 feet tall.  There was a lot of standing on chairs, tables, and windowsills.  It's actually amazing I didn't break anything.

     Error #8:  Trimming the plastic did not happen.  It was late, I was tired, I was in pain.  So I just put the blinds back up and left the excess plastic on the windows.  I started to trim it on one window, and it because obvious that it was going to take a level of precision, determination, and caring that I did not have.  It looks a little trashy, but it was a risk I already knew I was taking with the whole premise of the endeavor.  

I really hope that the plastic on my windows helps, and at the very least, doesn't hurt.  It wasn't a huge financial investment- the whole kit was $20, but it was an emotionally trying time for me.

The Need To Spoil Mary

     I like to solve problems, and I hate to give up.  And then, even after the solution is found, I like to prove it can be done again.  And then often go one further and attempt to improve on the original solution.  This rambling preamble is in reference to helping Mary cover up spoilers in her blog posts.  I have yet to really find a reason I would need to do so, however, I got so enthralled by her quest, I decided I simply must be able to do it myself.

Laughter

There really isn't a list long enough to do justice to how great Mary is. Often the first thing I tell people about is Mary's laugh. It's the greatest laugh in the world. It's also a secret. She doesn't bust it out for just anyone. For example, we worked together for an entire year, and no one at work had ever heard the laugh. And I mean, THE laugh, not just a pity laugh for silly latte jokes. A few of them thought I was lying. However, it just meant I was special. Her laugh is so special it actually makes those hearing it feel special.

I wanted to be able to say a few nice things about my friend, but without, you know, spoiling it for anyone else. What if you, dear reader, didn't want to know about how right Mary is all the time? Then you should not read what comes next.

She's Probably Right

She's right. And don't even try to argue with her, because you'll lose. And even when she's wrong, she's still right, and she fucking knows it. Deep down, you know it too.

And now, a list of things about Mary. An expandable list, so as not to spoil it for you.

Home Sweet Home

Mary and I are from the same state. We lived in the same general region, and both attended The University of Michigan. Not, however, at the same time. However, her umich unique name is what led me to her during the great roommate search of '07. All I had was a list of names and email addresses, yet somehow I knew, with a .umich.edu email address, we could forge a friendship that could last a lifetime. Or at least get along well enough to share a bathroom.

10:00 PM

Nearly every day we had this conversation:
Nan: I'm going to bed.
Mary: Now?
Nan: It's ten o'clock.
Mary: It's only ten.

There were a few slight variations, mostly ending with me saying "that was actually going to be my point." It became a thing, because I'm old and she's young. I like to go to bed early, and she likes to stay up late. We are a lot like Paula Abdul and DJ Scat Cat.

She calls me Nanners

Truth is, a lot of people call me Nanners. It's one of my more common nicknames. I don't mind nicknames so much. The one I really don't like is Nanny. I hate that one. Mary tried it once. It did not go well. She did christen me Nannerpuss after the IHOP (I think) banana. That was cool. There were also a few vulgar nicknames in there; cunt-tits is one that springs to mind. Mary always wanted a nickname, but I often struggled with it. I would try to rhyme, so usually I came up with things like Mary-Berry and Mares-bears. I tried to just call her bears once, but it didn't make sense. It was kind of like I had a stroke.

Coast to Coast

Living far apart from people you really really like is hard. Enter G-Chat. It's a wonderful thing and it keeps us connected. It's especially fascinating because of our interesting schedules, we get in way more gchat time that adults really should. No shit, I'd estimate about two hours a day. Seriously, an average of two hours a day. It sounds ridiculous, but it's actually awesome. This way I get to keep my friend with out carrying around all the guilt of not living in the same state as her.

Writing Pa'dners

I'm not even sure if we've ever tried to be writing partners. It seems like such a good idea. It's a good idea for about fifteen seconds, and then you start realizing why we don't write together. Basically, there is a very limited market for hilarious suicide stories. If there was a market for them, though, we'd be an unstoppable team.

Stuffed Peppers and Spaghetti with Mary Alongi

Mary makes the best BLTs in the entire world. Stuffed Peppers are her favorite food, and that's indicative of a good person, I think. I miss the awesome simple food that Mary and I enjoyed together. Yes, Friendly's waitress, we would like to split the Fish&Chips platter for an appetizer, and then each both get an entree, and one of those entrees will probably also be Fish&Chips. And yes, of course, we'll be having the ice cream. Those were good times.
What's for dinner today, Mary? Popcorn.
Nancy, what should we have for dinner? Sausage pizza and onion rings.
How many orders of crab rangoon do we need? Three probably.
We should have our own Food Network Show.

I didn't know it was still on the air

     In lieu of a dining room table, I eat in front of the television, like most good Americans.   Tuesday night isn't my favorite night of TV, especially since Running Wilde is off the schedule and Parenthood is on at 10.  I need to be in bed by 10, or at least be thinking about bed, and not getting emotionally involved.  So that is why I was flipping around the channels at 8, trying to see if there was something I was missing.  There wasn't really.
     I saw that One Tree Hill popped up on my guide and I thought "oh, a rerun?  Do I get the crappy rerun channel?"  No, I don't.  This show is still on the air.  They're still making new ones!  Holy Crap!  I can't believe it.  I watched it for the same reason people watch car accidents and train wrecks.  It's impossible to look away from something so terrible. 
     I (shamefully) admit I watched this show when it first aired back in the 80s or whenever the hell it was. (In reality, it was 2003.  But it feels much longer.)  It was a distraction.  I was young and confused.  Anyway, after they all graduated from high school, the series did a time shift.  That was actually an interesting way to go, and I was intrigued enough to watch that season.  A grad school roommate and I used to sit on our couch watching it, providing the color commentary and writing fake letters to Mark Schwann.  We're pretty sure he phones it in.  There were some ridiculous plot points, such as trampoline basketball and killer nannies.  It was not good.  At the end of the season I think they were all killed and the town was plowed under, so I assumed the series was over.
     A new episode was quite the surprise.  It seems to be later that same year.  There are more people, but it's really hard to tell any of them apart.  Clearly, the casting director has a type.  Again, I haven't been watching, so I'm sure there were some finer points I missed, but I still ended up yelling these things at my television:

You've been through a lot EVERY YEAR.  You say that ALL THE TIME.  What the hell?

Did the writers even go to school to learn how to do this?  They just pull cliches out of a hat and call it a script, don't they?

You've said the name Victoria five times in the last 30 seconds.  You should know she's going to show up.  You're both stupid.  You're all stupid.

None of this is how things actually go.

[In response to Haley asking Erin why Erin doesn't get along with her parents]: That's a man, right?  She fights with her parents because they don't understand why she wants to be a girl.  No?  You're not going to address that?  It's because of her music?  She's a MAN.

 I had to share with the aforementioned roommate.  She received this text message:

Just watched an ep of OTH.  I've had bowel movements that had more subtext than the dialog on this show.

And I stand by that too.  

Difference of Opinion: A List.

As I mentioned yesterday, there are a decent number of things most people like that I do not.  I thought we were all entitled to our opinions, however, these dislikes generally cause others to call me names.  A short list:

Parades.   There's too much ado for not a lot to do.  I don't get it.  I don't like being in them and I don't like watching them. 

Zoos.  I'm not overly enthusiastic about wild animals, and then there's all the families. 

Pesto.  It's apparently the condiment to end all condiments.  I also don't like condiments very much, or basil.

Everything Bagels.  There's just too much going on. 

Honey.  First, it's a condiment, so it's already not making a good impression.  Then it's sticky and I just don't like the flavor.

This list could get pretty food dominated pretty fast, so I'll stop at those three. 

Carnivals.  Too many people and all the rides go in circles.  I vomit.

Strawberry Picking.  Also apple picking.  I don't really like any kind of fruit or vegetable picking, but these two come up frequently as fun quaint activities.  I disagree on both those counts. 

Summer.  It's the worst of the four seasons.  People always want to go to the beach (see below).  And there is a lot of pressure to wear shorts in public, and I don't do that. 

The Beach.  I don't like the sand, the people, the sun, or the water.  I don't care for the saltiness- and even on fresh-water beaches, I can't over-come the initial ickyness of walking in the water before it gets too deep, plus those are usually really cold, and pretty rocky.  I've been to many beaches, because other people like to go there.  I prefer my swimming to take place in a pool, and I prefer my lounging to take place indoors, with a TV in front of me.  This is the one that most people give up on me for.

The list could go on, but I said it would be a short list.  And I can usually find a supporter or two for my other dislikes.  Those are just the things that cause me to spend large chunks of my days alone.  And sad.  But not as sad as I'd be if I were watching a parade in a beach-side zoo while eating an everything bagel with a pesto and honey schmear in the middle of summer just before an afternoon of strawberry picking and carnival rides.   That's the sort of thing that could drive me insane, like Meg Ryan's character at the George V in French Kiss.  Yes, I would carry around a bell and bang on it.  Oddly enough, I don't dislike bells. 
 

Awesome: A List

Sometimes when I'm not bursting with inspiration, I ask my friend Mary what I should write about.  Her most recent suggestion: awesome things that are awesome.  Sounds good to me!  So here we go, a list of awesome things.  These are in no particular order.  It is also not an exhaustive list. 

Glittens.  Gloves that are mittens.  The weather is getting colder and I'm getting ready to dig through my storage unit to find these.  They keep all parts of my hand warm and usable.  Awesome.

TV on DVD.  I have a few TV shows on DVD in the storage unit too, so while I'm getting out my winter gear, I think I'll grab Sports Night.  I love watching TV on DVD.  No commercials.  Episode after episode.  There are often special features like Bloopers and Commentaries.  And even though the novelty of it is gone because every show is now released on DVD- and quickly, it is super duper awesome. 

New York City. I love New York City.  We all know why- because it's awesome. 

The Kennedy Center presents The 13th Annual Mark Twain Prize for American Humor to Tina Fey.  How awesome is that?  Even more exciting?  I'm freaking going.  So so awesome.

Scotch. Scotchy scotch scotch.  Scotch in my belly. 

Hulu.  Almost anything is available on Hulu now.  You can auto-play next and it simulates that whole play all feature on DVDs.  It's great for catching up on shows you weren't sure about (like Detroit 1-8-7), watching shows on channels you don't get (like Melissa & Joey), or shows that were canceled three years ago only six episodes in (like The Return of Jezebel James).  Yes.  It's awesome.

Netflix Watch Instantly.  Netflix itself it awesome, but then they added this watch instantly feature, and it keeps getting better.  Sometimes I want to watch something RIGHT NOW.  And now I can.  Awesome.

Popcorn for dinner.  Popcorn is pretty good, but when you have it for dinner, it's awesome.  Especially when you leave room for dessert too.

Drunkfest. This will get it's own post soon enough.  Possibly two or three.  It's the greatest holiday in the entire world.  It happens to coincide with Thanksgiving, but really, Thanksgiving is the poor mans Drunkfest.  Drunkfest isn't just awesome.  It's the most awesome awesome thing there is.