Thursday, April 28, 2011

My Hypocritical List.

    Truth is, as hard as I try not to be, I'm a hypocrite.  Of all my character flaws, of which there are many, this is one I really try to fight.  When I pontificate about being a better person, I generally start with trying to not be hypocritical.  But it's a tough standard to keep up and when faced with the dilemma between the principle and the behavior, I tend to just lean into the behavior and compromise my principles. 
     The hypocritical list:
  • I hate talking about the weather, but I usually end up talking about the weather all the time.
  • People shouldn't stand in front of the doors on the Metro, except  I can do it because I understand how to do it right.
  • Reading is fundamental, but I don't read as much as I say I should.
  • Tardiness is unacceptable, unless I'm late and then there was probably a good excuse. 
  • People should clean up after themselves, unless I forget to wash a dish or don't want to pick up.
  • Going to the grocery store in pajamas is weird, except for when I always wear my pajamas to go grocery shopping.
  • I hate the phrase "to tell the truth," but to be honest, I use it all the time.
  • I hate when people pepper their speech with the word like, except I do it, like, at least once a day.
  • It drives me nuts when people talk in questions, but I do it when trying to make a joke.  "Did you remember to mail your rent?  Yes?"
  • Your rent should never be late, except when I mail the rent late because stamps are difficult to come by.
  • I bitch about the intrusiveness of Facebook, but not only do I not delete my profile, I leave my pictures up and update my status if I had a great meal.
  • I argue that brevity is the key to conversation, yet I send three page emails.
  • My mother's super short emails drive me nuts, but if I got a three page email from my mother, I would lose my shit.
  • I insist I can't afford new clothes, but I just bought a new TV, a few DVD collections, and improv classes, all while spending every weekend in New York City. 
  • I complain about the prevalence of fast food, but I still pay $8 for a burrito about twice a week.  
  • Corporations are ruining the country, except for the ones I go to because local businesses in cities I'm not familiar with scare me.
  • I hate when people complain about everything, except ugh, isn't everything just the worst?  Gross.  
  • I don't like spicy things but I insist on coating my buffalo wings in as much sauce as possible and then bitching about how I hate spicy things.  
  • I like my coffee black; I'm not picky unless you're making my coffee in which case just move out of the way and let me do it because it'll never be right.
  • I'm not a picky eater except that I don't like condiments or fancy things or Mediterranean food or Indian food or Greek food all that much and only some Thai food.  Also, I like anything on my pizza, except pepperoni.  Or pineapple.  And light on the onions.  And no basil or basil-based products or white sauce.  
That's not really an exhaustive list either.  Apparently I am a huge hypocrite.  I try to keep it under check for the really big things.  For example, I don't throw buckets of paint at people wearing furs and leather coats while I enjoy my giant bloody steak.  But the small ones creep in.  Perhaps it's because sometimes life gets too daunting and going to the trouble of putting on clothes to go to the grocery store and reading entire books seems like too much.  To tell the truth, I like, don't really know.   I sure as hell can't afford to pay someone to tell me either. 

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