Tuesday, October 4, 2011

45 Seconds of 'Hart of Dixie.' A Review

     What the hell?  This show came on my TV and I stared at it for 45 seconds, confused, like a dog who doesn't understand "sit."  What was happening on TV?  What time period were they in?  Was one of these people supposed to be a doctor?  More than one?  Did Nancy Travis lose a bet?  Why, why, why was this all happening?
     I had actually heard of this show before it aired.  "A heart surgeon named Dr. Hart takes over a small town doctor's office and whores it up."  Perhaps that wasn't the exact tagline.  But it's titled Hart of Dixie, and it's about a heart surgeon.  In Dixie.  I don't really know where Dixie is, presumably anywhere south of the Mason-Dixon line.  According to Wikipedia, Dixie is just a nickname for the southern United States.  Based on the 45 seconds I saw, I assume the show uses this generalization so they have every southern stereotype at their disposal.  Why limit themselves to Kentucky stereotypes when they can run the entire gambit of down-home, redneck, backwards, southern-belle, hayseed, racist, slow-talking, comfort-food cooking, back-woods doctoring caricatures they can?  To be clear, I don't think that's all the south is about.  I think the show thinks that what the south is about. 
     Rachel Bilson is in this show.  This was supposed to be a draw; people were supposed to tune in to see her.  I've heard her name before.  I think she was in The Last Kiss with Zach Braff.  She plays a heart surgeon.  This doesn't make any sense.  I would believe it if she were playing a magician's assistant, perhaps.  But a heart surgeon?  I think she's supposed to be kind of down-and-out, a failed heart surgeon if you will.  But still, I don't believe she could have ever made it far enough in her medical training to call herself a failed heart-surgeon.  It's like scoring 750 on your SATs and calling yourself a failed Supreme Court Judge.  Or maybe she was a dog-heart surgeon.  I would also believe she failed out of veterinarian school.   
     In the 45 seconds I watched I saw Rachel Bilson play doctor to a southern belle hell bent on participating in a parade while Nancy Travis watched.  Bilson's great doctorly advice was "you need to take care of yourself."  The southern belle protested because she just had to be in the parade.  Southern belle left and Nancy Travis complimented Bilson on her doctoring.  She had the doctorly poise of a piece of wet white bread.  I was hoping Nancy Travis was being sarcastic.  Also, seriously, Nancy Travis, what happened?  You were in So I Married An Axe Murderer for crying out loud.  You're better than this.  Are you under water on your mortgage?  Do the producers have naked pictures of you they threatened to release if you didn't agree to this?  Are you actually Bilson's mother and as such are contractually obligated to hold her hand through train wrecks and terrible CW shows?  Save yourself, please!  We can forget this ever happened.
     There was also a diner, in which Bilson and the mayor, who was an ex-linebacker and apparently the only black guy in town, had breakfast.  He ordered for her- two number fives with grits.  And then some other tightly wound southern belle from the 40s was screeching about something.  And then there was float building.  And Bilson was dressed in a tank top, jeans, and a bandana and people accused her of being in a gang.  And there was a woman named Lemon.  It was her first name.
     That was 45 seconds of my life I'll never get back.  I was not a fan.  Grade F.  More like Shart of Dixie.  The pixels on my TV deserve better than projecting that crap into my home.  I do not like it.
     I scrambled for the remote and flipped to old episodes of Scrubs.  It's so much more satisfying, and they're believable as doctors.

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