Thursday, September 30, 2010

Speech making

     I've gone back and forth as to whether or not include any workplace things in Oliver.   The overwhelming wisdom is No.   I definitely don't want to get fired, or worse, fired and then ridiculed.   As everyone knows by now, tweeting about your job is a bad idea.
     I like my job.  I'm thankful for the position, and the opportunity.  The thing I want to share doesn't have a lot to do with that aspect of the job.
     Sometimes, I am tasked with writing speeches.  My style is not always conducive to the serious level these speeches require.  Eventually I get there, but it takes a few tries.  Within these tries though, I end up with relatively amusing lines that I would love to use for speeches later, maybe a speech I have to give, or for one given about me.  So I cut and paste these lines and save them, and I refer back to them when I need a little dose of inspiration.  It is those nuggets I would like to share.  Names, and usually positions, have been removed in case I'm quite wrong about who reads this, and the level of trouble I could get in.
Good Morning Everyone. I would again like to welcome you all here on this beautiful, probably rainy, Friday morning in Washington D.C. Along with all of the other things we’re trying to cram into this event, we need to find time to honor _____________. He can now change his facebook status to retired.

Somewhere in here is probably when he got married and had kids. Usually, we say things like “he somehow found the time to get married” because that’s how we in the military view marriage: as an aside. Something you squeeze in on a weekend, like put-put, or half of a road-trip. We mention when that his wife plopped out (hopefully) his kids, while he was serving his country. He wrote to them, and sometimes he remembers their names and birthdays. They’re probably all named ____ Jr. and Katie, because those are the easiest god damn names for him to remember. But we needn’t waste any more time talking about superfluous things that don’t matter, like family. We’ll come back to it in a minute, when we force him to realize he now has to spend the rest of his days spending actual time with them. Or he can become a consultant. 
__________ entered the acquisition community in 1998 as the __________ Officer and then as _________ for the __________________, in Jacksonville, Florida. Man, that place is a shit hole, isn’t it _____?. Bet you wished you were back in Iowa. Idaho? Where ever. It had to be better than Shitsville, Florida.

Prior to coming here today, I didn’t know _________ very well. I had seen him in the hallway of building 197, but only briefly, as our turnovers were happening almost concurrently. I of course, knew of him; his name was spoken frequently, and often in that hushed tone that says “this is someone important, like a Jedi. Be respectful.” My curiosity was piqued. I googled _______. Awards, accolades, innovations, and other similar pledges of support and loyalty filled my screen. One thing was clear: this man is the shit. Remember that episode of the Simpsons where the family ended up being in some sort of cult and Homer sang “da-da-da-da-da-da Leader, Leader, Leader” to the tune of the Batman theme? He could have been singing about ____ here.  
Sometimes it's hard for me to walk the line between serious and not-so-serious.  Usually because I'm not supposed to be walking the line at all.  I belong firmly on one side of the line, but I long to be other side.  

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