Wednesday, September 14, 2011

People in LA Can't Drive

     I hate unsolicited advice.  I'm sure I've mentioned this before.  The worst kind of unsolicited advice, however, is that which requires time travel. 
I'm unsure of what to do next in my career.
Oh, you should have moved to LA 3 years ago when you had the chance.
Thanks.  Super helpful.  But you know what, I don't want to move to LA.  And I don't want to travel back in time to do so.  Because people in LA can't drive.
     When I owned a car, I drove a stick shift.  It was fun and sporty and got great gas mileage.  City driving is a little more difficult with a stick, because of all the stop-and-go.  You end up with a massive left calf muscle.  If you don't already know how to drive a stick, you should not start on the streets of LA.  They're large, congested streets with a lot of stop lights and opportunities to really piss people off.  You could roll backwards and hit someone.  You could stall in the middle of the street.  You could drop your transmission in the middle of an intersection.  You could risk looking cool.  All of the competent drivers around you will hate you.
     Another thing about LA driving that's terrible are the buses.  You just can't get around them.  They crap out black smoke into your windshield.  You're blinded and it stinks.  You can't see around them, so there's no way to know when it would objectively be safe to pass them.  Also, it's never really objectively safe to pass a bus.  But they go so slow, and people have places to be.  Plus, they're really big, so you're never going to try to play a game of chicken with them.  You can't cut them off; you will lose.
     Speaking of getting cut off, people do this constantly.  Especially jerks in pick-up trucks.  Why even drive a pick-up truck in LA?  There's no real good reason to haul anything in LA.  You're just driving it because you're a douche, and to perpetuate the douchey stereotype, you cut people off- nice people who drive purple 1987 Buick Skylarks. 
     The traffic in LA is a nightmare, made all the worse by the concentration of people without the ability to drive attempting to do it there. So, traveling back in time to go to LA is terrible advice for two reasons: 1.) impossible, and 2.) the terrible drivers. 

1 comment:

  1. A genius post.

    And if only my car really was an 87 instead of a 95. I'd be on the cusp of owning an antique. Alas.