Thursday, October 20, 2011

Why I Hate This Guy, Mike

     Mike doesn't listen.  I met Mike back in January in improv 1A.  He didn't listen then, and he doesn't listen now.  "Mike, the scene is not about pirates.  Don't bring up pirates."  Guess what Mike still brings up? 
     Mike thinks the following things are funny: child abuse, hopelessness, desolation, mud huts.  And I don't mean that he thought they were funny once.  In the 10 months I've practiced improv with this guy, he brings at least one of these things up in every scene he does.  He has never done a scene where he plays a father and does not say "I'm not too crazy about these kids" or "the middle one, not so much."  It's maddening.
     He seems to not understand reality.  During an exercise in class, he was asked to give three situations that he and his scene partner could be in.  They were a student and a teacher, which was already pushing some boundaries in the world of improv (teaching scenes are frowned upon).  Mike first suggested an incredibly elaborate scheme in which he had one final hope of raising standardized test scores by using the only smart student in his class.  He next proposed that the student was in fact a student-teacher, and Mike was his mentor.  His final suggestion was that he was teaching the Force, but Brian was using it for all the wrong reasons.  I shook my head for three solid minutes.  He was told to go with the student-teacher scenario, presumably because it was only one that wasn't completely fucking bonkers.  And in true Mike fashion, he began with a rant about how everyone was stupid and terrible and there was no hope to be had.  His scene partner looked lost; the rest of us were bored.
     He wears toe-shoes.  He wears them all of the time.  I've heard him explain how he has his "dressy" toe-shoes, and his casual toe-shoes.  It takes all my energy to not punch him in his stupid smug face.
     He does this thing.  He doesn't watch TV.  He reads a lot of books.  And then he liked to tell all of us about how he doesn't watch TV or stay in touch with current cultural phenomena because he prefers books.  And then he also continues to explain how he's an outsider, desperately trying to fit in.  He started a scene endowing his scene partner as Ramses.  Apparently Mike was playing a slave who was building the Sphinx.  Not only did no one understand what the hell he was doing, no one cared.  At the end of the scene, when we tore it apart, he was indignant about it.  How could we not understand what he was trying to do?  Well, because it's improv, not fucking history class.  You walked on stage and said "Oh boy Ramses, I think this is the best nose I've ever done."  Sure, we're the idiots.  Fuck you, Mike.  Also, nobody says "oh boy!"  Stop doing it. 
     The sound of his voice is grading.  His face looks stupid.  He breathes through his mouth.  At this point, there is nothing this guy could do that would alter my opinion of him.  He could put all that book reading to use and find the cure for AIDS, but I'd still push him down the stairs while screaming "who's gonna aid you now, ass?"  He's had so many chances, I now don't believe he can ever do anything right.  Also, I think other people need to start calling him out on all his bullshit.
     He negates offers.  This is a big no-no in improv.  And I suspect he doesn't always realize he's doing it, because again, he's not paying attention, he's not listening, and he doesn't have a firm grasp on reality.  He makes side comments in scenes that he thinks are funny.  Not only are they not funny, but they break the reality of the scene and completely ruin it.  He'll break character to make a crack about a mud hut.  Need I say it again?  NOBODY CARES ABOUT MUD HUTS!  He leaves his scene partner bewildered at every turn.  I started a scene with him once where I was clearly carrying an umbrella and I stated "this rain ruins my picnic."  He said something like "nobody was going to come anyway" in his stupid voice and did not acknowledge the rain.  The teacher called a time out and asked him what he thought I had in my hand.  He said "I don't, maybe a hanky or something.  I ignored it."  We know you ignored it.  Because you're an ass.
     Those are just a few of the reasons I hate this guy, Mike.  If there were a giant hole that led directly to the center of the earth, I would push him in.  Then I'd spit in it and hopefully my loogie would hit him in the face just before he melted in the earth's core.      

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