Friday, June 24, 2011

Pulp or No Pulp.

     I do not like pulp in my orange juice.  I never realized this was an issue until I had to start living with other people.  My reasoning is simply that I don't like the mouth feel of orange clumps in my beverage.  I don't like feeling like I have to chew something while quenching my thirst. 
     My freshman year of college I used this pulp / no pulp thing as a litmus test when interviewing roommates.  I had an odd lease situation where the apartment complex could move in whomever they wanted into the other room in my place - it was a single lease on a double.  But they assured me I would have approval.  I remember the day Heidi Oberschmidt walked into the McDonald's I worked in and introduced herself as a potential roommate.  She admitted her situation was a bit dire as classes were starting within the week.
     "How do you take your milk?" I asked.
     "Toilet paper: over or under?"
     "Pulp or No Pulp."
     "Eww, no pulp."
     "Great, everything else will work itself out."
We had a wonderful semester as roomies and I believe it was based on those fundamental things.
     Pulp is something people feel very strongly about.  I feel quite strongly about not having it.  I've tried to choke it down in an attempt to appease people, but I hate it.  I really do.  I've written no pulp on grocery lists in all caps with underlines and exclamation points.  And then the person doing the grocery shopping comes back with "light pulp" and says she thought it was the same thing.  It's not the same fucking thing.  Or they'll get extra pulp and say they thought I was joking.  Really?  Why would you think I was joking?  "Because who hates pulp?"  I do.  I hate pulp.
     Also, have you ever tried to make a cocktail with orange juice that has pulp in it?  A pulpy-screwdriver?  Awful.  Have you ever been drinking your tequila sunrise with a straw and then a hunk of pulp came slithering up and you choke a little?  Gross.  There's no excuse for it.  No pulp.  The answer is no pulp.
     This becomes so contentious, I actually stopped buying orange juice.  I don't get it at restaurants because 1) they look at you funny when you ask if there's pulp and 2) it's stupidly expensive.  Of course so are most juices.  But I despise this conversation:
     Would you like anything to drink today?
     Is there pulp is your orange juice?
     Oh, it's freshly squozen.
     So, is there pulp in it?
     Well it's fresh.
     Is there pulp in it?
     Ma'am it's freshly squeezed orange juice.  It's really good, you should try it.
     Is that your way of telling me there's pulp?
And then I order coffee.  I should just always order coffee.  There's no pulp in coffee.  

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