Two Speed Blender

     My blender is great. It has two speeds: high and low. I guess technically it has three speeds if you count off. It doesn't have frappe or stir or liquify. Just high and low and it gets shit done. My blender looks kinda like this:

Except that's a picture of the "retro style' blender, and mine is actually just that old. It was made in the 20s and passed down from generation to generation. Or it was made in the 40s and my great-grandmother just gave it to me because everyone else already had a blender. Either way, it's an old blender and it still works great.
     I attempted to use one of those magic bullet blenders a while back to make a smoothie. It was a bit of a pain and there were a lot of safety precautions all over. After a minute or two of pulsing, per the directions, my smoothie was still chunky. I was impatient and I drank it anyway. Also, there wasn't that much of it. That might be part of the point of the magic bullet--portion control--but it's a damn smoothie and mind your own damn business small kitchen appliance.
     I made a smoothie this morning in my relic Oster 2-speed blender and it was wonderful. I poured in however much stuff I wanted and turned the knob on. I turned it to slow at first, and then to high. And then--THEN--I went right back to off. Because that's how the dial is fashioned; it goes from off to low to high to off. CONVENIENCE! Also, the speeds are listed as "hi" and "lo" because the font is large and the dial is not that large. Anyway, my smoothie came out smooth and perfectly blended. There were no chunks and each gulp was the same consistency, which is really what I look for in a smoothie.
     This blender is practically between 80 and 100 years old and it blends great. It's the only blender I'll ever need. Forever. This is the thing I'll pass down to my grandchildren. They might have to power it with crystals, but hopefully they'll have a crystal to AC power converter because this is a fantastic blender. Mmmm, future smoothies.

Things Are Awesome

     I said this today: "Imagine it--'The Riley and Nancy show'!"  But I said it like Maya Rudolf impersonating Oprah.  And then I laughed and laughed while Riley nodded in agreement.
     Riley and I had gone to see The Chris Gethard Show, a public access show done by local comic hero Chris Gethard.  Once the show was over we moseyed over to the bar for the after party.  We weren't really part of the entourage of the show, but we made our own fun.  We ordered a few pitchers of alcoholic water and a plate of chicken fingers.  There were two folks named Random Andrew and Random Jean; during their conversation, we provided their voices from afar.
     The star of the show, the aforementioned Chris Gethard, had ordered a sandwich of some kind.  He was sitting a table away, but not paying any attention to us.  Eventually it became clear that he was done with his sandwich.  We made it our mission to acquisition his half-eaten sandwich and cold fries.  After a few random hoots and hollers, I decided the best course of action was a note.
     I wrote "Chris, Can I have your sandwich?  Yes  No" and I put check boxes next to the yes and the no.  You know, it was your standard check-yes-or-no note.  We passed it over, a la middle school, and waited.  A few minutes later, we were in possession of Chris's sandwich.  It was a damn great  moment.  About 45 seconds after that, someone at Chris's table ordered a plate of waffle plates.  Another 2 minutes after that, and Riley and I were enjoying that plate of waffle fries.
     Chris Gethard was super nice when he left and said we had first dibs on all his future left-overs.  Boom.  A successful Wednesday night out.  The Riley and Nancy show!
      Also, check out the real star, The Chris Gethard Show.  

Ice Cream for Breakfast

     One of the best parts of being an adult is that really, you can have whatever you want for breakfast.  When we're adults, our pallets have usually become some sort of sophisticated and we want things like eggs benedict, egg white omelets with rosemary, and bacon casseroles.  And sure, I like those things too.  But sometimes, I actually want ice cream for breakfast.  Ice cream is traditionally a dessert, so it seems prudent to at least have a bowl of corn flakes first.
     A shameful secret from my childhood is that I used to have ice cream for breakfast a lot.  There was nobody around in the morning to tell me not to have it, and really what was the main difference between pop-tarts and fudgecicles anyway?  If anything, the fudgecicle was better because it came on a stick.  So rather than having a real breakfast I would grab a fudgecicle from the freezer and lick it down to its stick on my walk to the bus stop.  I didn't just do this once or twice either.  I would usually have a fudgecicle for breakfast about once or twice a week, for years.
     Often, by about 2nd or 3rd period, I would feel pretty ill.  It seemed obvious to everyone else--having ice cream for breakfast will make you ill.  I didn't get it though.  I had ice cream for breakfast all the time.  Ice cream was mostly good for you, like Pop Tarts or Lucky Charms.  Or Chocolate Cake.  That brings me to my next point:

  

Having grown up on the comedy stylings of Bill Cosby, it seemed perfectly logical to me to have Chocolate Cake for breakfast.  My parents also went along with Bill Cosby's logic.  "Mom, can I have cake and ice cream for breakfast?"  "Well, Bill Cosby gives it to his kids, and he's a national treasure, so yes."
     So even though I might end up feeling a little ill before lunch time, sometimes I still have ice cream for breakfast.  After all, it's mostly milk, and milk does a body good.

Soup

     People in soup commercials are so happy to be eating soup.  When I watch the soup commercials I think "I want to be as happy as those folks" and it leads me to craving soup.  Well done, soup marketing people.  You've convinced me that eating soup with make me happy and healthy.  Clearly soup is the gateway to a better world.
      On the other hand, I'm rarely ever as happy as those people when I'm eating soup.  I went through a soup phase in college--my freshman year, it was about all I could afford and I ate it all the time.  It has taken me a long time to get over that.  I'm rarely ever in the mood for soup now.  It leaves an empty feeling in my soul; there is a soup-shaped empty hole in my soul. 
    

New Bread

     With every move comes the task of finding a new grocer.  My mother claims to understand this, but she doesn't truly--she has lived in the same town for twenty-four years.  She is pretty settled into her grocery store needs.  Sure, sometimes she wafts between Meijer or Kroger, but in general, if she wants to buy Hillbilly Bread, she can, with no trouble.
     When I moved to DC, the grocery store situation put me in a tailspin.  In the district, the stores are tiny.  Very narrow aisles and a lot of people.  I tried to research online when the best time to go would be, but the reviews were all the same: don't go on the weekends, it's terrible.  So I was relegated to awful grocery shopping for the duration of my stay in the district.
     The first visit or two to a new grocery store is typically filled with disappointment and dismay.  The fact is, all stores are not created equal, and they do not all carry the same items.  So when you've finally gotten used to the new bread you were using in Boston, you stand in front of the district's bread selection and whimper a little.  The cycle has to start over.  Grocery shopping should be one of the things that can stay constant when everything else is in flux.  But it is quite the opposite.
     While in the district, I developed a system.  I split my grocery trips between Safeway and Trader Joes.  I was a Trader Joes novice at the time; I've grown to love it, but face it, there are a few things you just can't get at TJs.  And that's where Safeway came in.  And then every once in a while I would supplement getting exotic meats at the farmers' market.  It wasn't a perfect system, but I had it down.  I also had the contingency plan that I would only go grocery shopping before 10am.  It wasn't an easy contingent to keep up with, and there were some weeks I had to skip grocery shopping.
     Over time, I apparently fell in love with Trader Joes.  I didn't realize this had happened until I was standing in FoodStore last weekend.  At first, the idea of a normal sized grocery store was intriguing.  I had dreams of my previous Boston grocery shopping glory. But then I was standing in the aisles, desperately searching for fire roasted tomatoes, and I knew it just wasn't the same.  I missed Trader Joes.  It surprised me, the way feelings can sneak up on you like they do.
     Today, I am going on an adventure.  I'm going to find the Trader Joes in Brooklyn, and I'm going to get those fire roasted tomatoes.  And apparently something called Brownies-in-a-bag.  It's several subway stops away, and there's a good chance all my frozen foods will melt, but at least it will help me maintain a small piece of consistency.  It's the first step in developing a new grocery system.  And I won't have to switch bread again. 

The Best Part of Halloween

      I almost forgot about the best part of Halloween.  With the move that weekend, the event that is Halloween has fallen off of my radar.  Plus, I'm not a child so there will be no trick-or-treating.  However, this afternoon I moseyed into a CVS and remembered the best part of Halloween-- CANDY! 
     And not just regular candy either.  The kind of candy that you eat way too much of but don't realize you've eaten too much of it until you're already a pound in.  Candy corn, for example.  I won't stop eating it, even after vomiting orange sugary goo.  For some reason, it's totally worth it.  Candy corn should be one of those things that I avoid because of a bad experience in the past, like silver tequila and cranberry margaritas.  It is not.  I keep coming back for more. 
     It's the best time to get candy in fun sizes.  I know they're technically available all year, but not in fun colors and not really.  The ones that are available in April are just left over from Halloween.  This is the best time to get them. 
     Candy is on sale during Halloween!  You can get massive amounts of awesome candy for cheap.  You can spend all of November just inches away from a diabetic coma for less than $20.
     It's only been about 45 minutes since I purchased the bag of candy corn, and I have already eaten too much.  I've tried to pawn the bag off on coworkers, but they don't want it.  They claim it's because they're not 12-years-old.  Hog wash, I say.  Candy corn is for everyone.  I will power through.

How I Know I'm True

     A few months ago, I wrote about being someone between the person I was and the person I thought I was.  And I think there was talk about a third person in there and constant change, and maybe it got a little existential.  I frequently make qualifying statements about myself.  I do worry sometimes that I'm making these statements out of ephemeral ideas; I might be coming to concrete conclusions based on a fleeting feeling. 
     Yesterday, I talked about how much I enjoy candy.  "I like candy more than an adult should" I professed.  Was it possible that I was just saying this about myself with not too much evidence to back it up?  Would outsiders corroborate this? 
     I was having coffee with a friend of mine today, a friend who did not read yesterday's post, and she asked "What did you have for lunch today?  A pound of M&Ms?"  This is how I know I'm true to myself.  I laughed and said no, I had to cut that shit back because I did have a half-pound of Reese's Pieces yesterday.  She laughed knowingly.  She said I have the pallet of the 4-year-old, who also happens to enjoy booze.  Yes, I agree with that assessment. 
     Booze and Candy.  It's not just for breakfast. 

Candy for Lunch

     I like candy more than an adult should.  I saw a show recently where one of the players did a short monologue about an ex-girlfriend who always tried to get him to try candy.  His response was "no, I'm an adult.  I don't want candy."  I considered that to be the end of our romance.
     I like it to a fault.  I know I shouldn't like it as much as I should.  I know there is no value in it.  I know there is no protein in candy.  I know they are not low calorie foods.  At the same time, when the question "should I have candy for lunch?" comes up, the answer is never no.
     Lunch is coming up soon.  I have left over chicken waiting in the fridge for me.  I also have a bag of Reese's Pieces with me.  And not a small snack bag either- a full pound-sized bag.  Therefore, I will be having chicken and Reese's Pieces for lunch.
     When survival shopping this weekend, I bought more candy than I probably should have.  But if I was going to die in a hurricane, I wanted to die with candy.
     I suppose I understand why candy is not considered an adult food item.  I get that guy's point.  Years ago, I went to a movie with my friend Tom.  We went all out; we got a large popcorn, Twizzlers, Sno-Caps, and soda.  It was awesome, for about an hour.  Then it all started to settle.  We originally made plans for dinner following the movie.  We walked out of the theater and looked at each other knowingly.  We needed nutrients.  And we needed to be alone for a while.  Chances were good we were both going to be vomiting Twizzlers in the very near future.
     I know when I overdo it with candy, and I always feel like an idiot.  It's something a child would do, because a child doesn't know any better.  I know better, but I still do it.  I then attempt to counteract the pound of black liquorice with gallons of water and heads of lettuce.  Here's a tip: nothing can counteract a pound of black liquorice.  Don't ever eat that much black liquorice.     

Perfect Pairings

     Food and drink just go together.  They do.  It's wonderful to find a beverage that goes so well with your meal.  Julia Childs was a master of insisting wine was just part of the meal.  Most beverages that are crafted can pair perfectly with food.  Wine, beer, and coffee for example.  An earthy coffee with something savory is an amazing oft neglected treat.
     I like to pair beverages with candy.  Some pairings work better than others.  Last night, I enjoyed Reese's Pieces with a Pinot Noir.  Let me tell you, the candy shell and peanut butter really brought out the bouquet and clean palette of the Pinot Noir.  And I wasn't convinced at first it was actually a good idea.  I only mixed them because I wanted those two things at that time.  It worked out just fine and I think all my dreams were perfectly normal.
     I'm quite certain that a lot of chocolate goes really well with dry red wines.  That's just common sense.  Dark chocolate M&Ms and a Shiraz would be a perfectly normal pairing.  For white wines, I would guess you'd want to go with fruitier candy- a Starburst or a Skittle, perhaps.  I would go so far as to say a Twizzler or a Red Vine.  And it may be unconventional, but some Black Licorice and Chardonnay just might knock it out of the park.  Or it could be terrible.
     I do not recommend pairing any peppermint candy with any wine.  I haven't actually tried it myself, but just imagining swirling tannins around after a bite of York Peppermint Patty initiates my gag reflex.  It's probably not good and not salvageable.
     I could really for a peppermint patty right now.   
     

Pulp or No Pulp.

     I do not like pulp in my orange juice.  I never realized this was an issue until I had to start living with other people.  My reasoning is simply that I don't like the mouth feel of orange clumps in my beverage.  I don't like feeling like I have to chew something while quenching my thirst. 
     My freshman year of college I used this pulp / no pulp thing as a litmus test when interviewing roommates.  I had an odd lease situation where the apartment complex could move in whomever they wanted into the other room in my place - it was a single lease on a double.  But they assured me I would have approval.  I remember the day Heidi Oberschmidt walked into the McDonald's I worked in and introduced herself as a potential roommate.  She admitted her situation was a bit dire as classes were starting within the week.
     "How do you take your milk?" I asked.
     "Skim."
     "Toilet paper: over or under?"
     "Over."
     "Pulp or No Pulp."
     "Eww, no pulp."
     "Great, everything else will work itself out."
We had a wonderful semester as roomies and I believe it was based on those fundamental things.
     Pulp is something people feel very strongly about.  I feel quite strongly about not having it.  I've tried to choke it down in an attempt to appease people, but I hate it.  I really do.  I've written no pulp on grocery lists in all caps with underlines and exclamation points.  And then the person doing the grocery shopping comes back with "light pulp" and says she thought it was the same thing.  It's not the same fucking thing.  Or they'll get extra pulp and say they thought I was joking.  Really?  Why would you think I was joking?  "Because who hates pulp?"  I do.  I hate pulp.
     Also, have you ever tried to make a cocktail with orange juice that has pulp in it?  A pulpy-screwdriver?  Awful.  Have you ever been drinking your tequila sunrise with a straw and then a hunk of pulp came slithering up and you choke a little?  Gross.  There's no excuse for it.  No pulp.  The answer is no pulp.
     This becomes so contentious, I actually stopped buying orange juice.  I don't get it at restaurants because 1) they look at you funny when you ask if there's pulp and 2) it's stupidly expensive.  Of course so are most juices.  But I despise this conversation:

     Would you like anything to drink today?
     Is there pulp is your orange juice?
     Oh, it's freshly squozen.
     So, is there pulp in it?
     Well it's fresh.
     Is there pulp in it?
     Ma'am it's freshly squeezed orange juice.  It's really good, you should try it.
     Is that your way of telling me there's pulp?

And then I order coffee.  I should just always order coffee.  There's no pulp in coffee.  

Waffles and Wine

     This morning I stared into my bowl of oatmeal and I thought "I really wish I had some waffles."  Mmmm.  And wine.  Wine would be good.  I'm not sure if they would actually be good together, but I would be willing to find out. 
     It was possibly the alliteration that led me to this conclusion.  Wild Waffle and Wine Wednesdays.  At Wendy's Whistle Stop Cafe.   Line up now venture capitalists, cause this idea is going to take off.  Another less popular combination would be waffles and whine.  That should be a solitary event.
     Waffles and wine could be an anytime meal.  Waffles cover breakfast and brunch, which naturally leads to lunch.  Wine covers dinner and second dinner, possibly even dessert.  Now this is all I can think about.  I don't see how this could be a bad idea.
     First thing I'll need to do is procure a Whistle Stop Cafe.  They can't be that tough to come by.  I imagine you could turn any cafe into a Whistle Stop Cafe if you put some sort of whistle story with it.  Rent out an old caboose and put it in the parking lot- I've seen it done before.  Boom, it's a whistle stop.  Pay some kid $3 to blow on a train whistle toy once an hour and really drive home the authenticity.
     I have a sister named Wendy so I'm pretty confident I can name it after her and be free and clear legally.  I'll even let her work there, behind the counter.  It'll be a fun novelty.  She can have her picture on the menu or something. 
      Next, I need to learn how to make waffles.  I've seen recipes on the sides of Jiffy boxes- you need milk, eggs, oil, and Jiffy mix.  I think that's it.  You get a few waffle irons, boom, waffle shop.  Add whip cream. 
     Next, a liquor license.  File some paperwork, and I think the rest takes care of itself.  Then you just buy a lot of wine.  I'm imagining reds to go with the waffles, but I bet some whites would be nice too.  A nice sparkling Prosecco with strawberry topped waffles.  Yes.  I want that too.
     As a business model, we keep it simple.  Waffles and Wine.  "Can I get eggs benedict and a bud light?"  No.  Waffles and Wine.  That's it.  Maybe after it takes off we could start expanding the menu, but the secret to any successful restaurant is to keep the menu simple.  Make a few things really well.  That's what we'll do at Wendy's Whistle Stop Cafe.
     To be profitable, we'll have to be open on more than just Wednesdays, but I'd still like to maintain the Wild Waffles and Wine Wednesdays theme.  It worked for TGIFriday's; they're open more than just Fridays.  Wednesdays will just be especially wild down at the Whistle Stop.  BYOW, perhaps.  Or Whip your own waffles!   I'm still working out the kinks. 

Because Misery Loves Company

     It's the impetus behind complaining and the concept of "this is gross, smell it."  Misery loves company, that is why I am going to share my horrible oatmeal experience with you. 
     A few days ago I discussed how much I regretted buying sugar free oatmeal.  It is, indeed, gross.  I didn't want to be wasteful though so I started just mixing in a packet of regular sugar with it.  This made it palatable.   Last Wednesday or Thursday sometime I bought a small container of milk (a quart I think) so that I could enjoy Honey Nut Cheerios for breakfast.   It happened to be whole milk.  This isn't my milk of choice, but I was purchasing milk at CVS and their selection was lacking and I didn't have the time or desire to huff it over to the grocery store an entire Metro stop over. 
      It was a little later than I normally eat, but the hunger pangs were kicking in so I decided to bust out the oatmeal.  I grabbed the packet of instant oatmeal and my microwave pyrex container I use for breakfast every day.  Considering myself to be quite genius for this, I put the oatmeal in and mix in a packet of regular Dominos sugar.  Then I add a little bit of water and  decide mixing in some whole milk would make it great.  I open the fridge, grab the milk, uncap it, and pour.  Glump.  Glump.  Oh god.  I stop pouring and look in the milk container and it was basically a gel now.  The expiration date is April 25th and apparently that is a hard-fucking-expiration date.   I scrape the milk curds out of the top of the oatmeal, not sure I got it all, and then add more water.  Too much water.
     Sixty seconds later the mixture in the microwave had slightly congealed, but it was clearly too liquidy.   Luckily, I thought, I had another packet of oatmeal in my drawer.  I slowly mixed it in and eventually added the whole packet to get it to the correct thick consistency I like my oatmeal to be.  Too much oatmeal.  It looked like this:

The oatmeal was so thick, the spoon could stand straight up.  I took a few bites and was overcome with the fact that 1. I did not add more sugar when I added more oatmeal and 2. the taste of sour milk is very overpowering.  Also, the whole thing smells bad.
      I'm really looking forward to lunch.  I'm sure nothing can go wrong with left over rice and salmon.

My Favorite Part of Holidays

     The only part of Easter I'm willing to observe is the after-Easter candy sales.  Everything pastel and bunny shaped will be two-for-one at the local Rite Aid, and I'm going to stuff my candy drawer with enough chocolate to choke Jesus.  (Jesus is my building's maintenance man.)
     I'll try to stock up on enough peanut butter M&M's to get me through until the next major candy holiday.  Unfortunately,  that's Halloween, so it's not very realistic.  Hopefully there'll be red, white, & blue M&M's for the Fourth of July.  As a side note, I like to holiday peanut butter M&M's a little more than the regular peanut butter M&M's because, in my experience, they have a more consistent shape.  I don't know why this is, and I may not want to know, but there seems to be a process when making the specked "looks like robin eggs" peanut butter M&M's that forces them into a mold and they come out perfectly shaped.  The non-holiday ones are more randomly shaped.  It's fine, they still taste right, but aesthetically, I like the consistency of the holiday themed ones.
     Somehow I missed Jelly Beans this year.  I'm one of those freaks who really likes black jelly beans.  Really.  I love them.  I used to pick those out of the dish when I was a kid.  My mom used to make these Easter dessert things out of shredded wheat, chocolate, and jelly beans that were supposed to look like birds' nests with eggs in them, and I would go through and take all the black eggs off.  My second favorite was purple and I firmly stand by the opinion that they taste like purple.
     Happy Candy Sale Day!

Buyer's Remorse

     The thing I most often get buyer's remorse over is food.  It's also a ridiculous thing to get buyer's remorse over because I'm going to be able to do it all again about four to five hours later.  I'm not good at ordering food- I am the opposite of Sally.  I spend an inordinate amount of time agonizing over what to get and then when my plate arrives, I'll regret it.  I see what someone else has ordered and think I should have gotten that.  Why didn't I just get that?  Waaaaa.
     This happens a lot when trying new things.  I try to be adventurous, to branch out, but then I end up branching out a little too far and being envious of the chap next to me with the cheese covered burrito.  A wedge salad?  Really?  I guess I can say I've done it, that's something. 
     Sometimes I stick with my old standby because I'm confident I'll like it and I'll still end up regretting it.  Someone near me will have gotten the special and I'll immediately feel the pangs of regret.  Oh the specials.  They're special, so I should get them, just because they're special. 
     Friends have pointed this out to me and I think it annoys them.  Like clockwork when our food is put in front of us I'll stare at their plate and say "Mmm.  I should have ordered that."  Every time.  Now I even do it when we order the same thing to keep the joke *fresh* and *original*. 
     I've even done it at the grocery store.  I'll get home and put my food in the cupboard and just be disappointed in my choices.  Why did I buy sugar free oatmeal?  I regret this decision, but now I'm stuck with it.  Such a large ticket item and I'm stuck with it, at least until the next time I go to the store which will probably be tomorrow because I stand to eat sugar free oatmeal.  It's gross.