Thursday, December 23, 2010

Planes, Trains, & Comfortable Boots

     I've started this post several times, and I'm just not sure where to go with it.  My mother is coming in today to spend the holiday with me.  Most people think this is wonderful.  I, however, do not.  I've already accepted the fact that I am a rotten kid.  I get it, she's my mother, she gave me life, blah blah blah.  She's also bat-shit nuts, and the impending anxiety resulting from her visit has already started burrowing an ulcer.   She's nice, and she probably means well, but she's my mother, so to me, these seemingly nice things have a whole other layer of passive aggressive subterfuge to them. 
     I went grocery shopping, specifically to make sure I had food for her visit.  I asked her if there was anything she liked that I could pick up.  She said she would pack her own oatmeal.  (Whaa??!)  She claimed it wouldn't take up any room in her suitcase.  However, there is no part of the scenario I find reasonable.  Why would you pack oatmeal in a suitcase?  It can't possibly take up no room.  It's an object with mass- it has to take up some space.  I understand she believes this space to be negligible, but why not just pack an extra pair of underwear or some warm socks instead of oat-fucking-meal.  The point has been made that she's probably just trying to be nice, not wanting to put me out or inconvenience me.  Sure, I suppose that would be nice.  But it's oatmeal.  It cost at most $3.  And I was at the grocery store.   To pack oatmeal in a suitcase and bring it a thousand miles is just crazy.
     She also asked me if there were any movie theaters around.  And, if there were, would they be showing new releases?   I think the concept of a major city is lost on her.  Of course, this could be my misunderstanding.  Perhaps by "around" she means in my backyard.  In which case, no, there aren't any movie theaters in my backyard.  However, if by around, she simply means within a five mile radius and easily accessible by public transportation, then yes.  The other part about her question is that I have told her many times that I go to the movie theater often.  Nearly every weekend, I go at least once to see a movie.  Where does she think this happens?  Does she think I bus it to New York City to see the "new releases?"  Which, by the way, I think she counts anything released in the last 4 months as a new release.  There are movies I've watched on Netflix she still counts as new releases.  However, if she asks to see Yogi Bear, I will tell her no.  For some reason, the district isn't getting that movie.  It was too controversial, its limited release didn't extend to DC, I'm scared of bears.  Anything to not see that movie.  I won't even see it ironically.
     The title of the post is both an homage to one of my favorite movies, and also a solid description of my mom's modes of transportation.  I don't think she's overly pleased about any of them.  Mostly the boots.  She accepts the plane as the fastest way to get her from Michigan to DC.  She's willing to warm up to the idea of a train- both the Amtrak from Baltimore and the Metro within the city.  Though I do anticipate a certain amount of, well, lets call it consternation, over the whole public transportation system.  And then there's the walking.  I imagine we will be on opposite ends of the argument when being faced with the same piece of information.  The it's only a mile v. it's a whole mile argument.  She's not used to walking and I can imagine the pained look on her face every time walking is required.  Not hiking, just walking.  I think I live really close to the Metro stop- it's just four blocks.  However, she often drives to her mailbox- approximately 50 yards from her front door.  My best piece of advice was "wear comfortable shoes."  I probably said it like this: "wear comfortable shoes?"
     So Merry Christmas Eve Eve.  This is the time of year we get torn down by our families so we can spend the rest of the year building ourselves back up.  This is also why I drink.  

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